Something that I was excited and expectant about in coming on the Race was the chance to experience a little taste of so many different cultures. Something that I was not expecting was leaving pieces of my heart behind as I move on from country to country.
I mean…now that I write that sentence, it seems obvious that I would knowingly be prepared for that, but I honestly wasn’t.
I wasn’t ready to leave Zambia but the day came (wayyy too soon) and I found myself in a familiar state of mind, one that has become close to the most normal feeling since leaving home. I felt apathetic while packing; I felt frantic while packing because there is always that faint whisper of if everything is going to fit back into my pack or not; I felt normal… and with that normal also comes a familiar wave of sadness.
It hurts to leave people behind that you have just begun to dig in deep with. It hurts to become connected with people where the only connection you may have in the future is limited to a screen.
Now I am in Malawi, for the second month, and let me tell you – leaving Nkhotakota, Malawi was a little easier than I thought. Perhaps it was becoming all too normal; perhaps it was because that whole month I was ready to leave and be done with the Race due to tiredness, sickness, lack of comforts, lack of communication with home; perhaps I was ready to just move on to a different country…but there was still a very present level of sadness there, especially thinking, daily, of the children, the orphans, the malnourished, the sick, the dying…
Reflecting back on that time, I imagine Jesus’ heart when he was headed to the cross. Like any human who spends time in a tightly woven community, I know he loved his disciples and his community deeply. (I mean, with a love that I couldn’t begin to imagine – a love that he willingly entered into death for!) But, speaking strictly of his humanity – I know he felt pain and sadness leaving a community that was a temporary home for him as he headed to the cross to be reunited with his father and his real home. Of course I will never begin to understand even a surface of the emotions that Jesus was feeling in the months leading up to his death, but I feel like I get a little taste of the confusing feelings of: whether to be excited to move on, or sad to be leaving people that you truly love. Jesus knew it was his time to depart, but I wonder if a little part of him wanted to keep going, to keep ministering because he felt as if he didn’t do enough, or wasn’t finished. How did he balance all of these emotions? How did he joyfully leave?
Jesus balanced those emotions by clinging to the cross, literally and metaphorically. He clung and hung there, dying, so that I might get, yes – get, to experience these emotions on this roller coaster called life. He clung to the reason he was sent into the world, to bring hope to the hopeless.
Jesus didn’t leave joyfully. In fact, he asked his father if there were any other way. He asked his father to take the weight of what he was about to bear. “Abba, Father,”[g] he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Mark 14:36).
“Yet” what a beautifully simple word. A word that can be a turning point for a conversation, a turning point for emotions, a turning point that shows hope, a turning point that shows willful obedience.
So, in following Jesus – leaving will never become easy, yet, I will cling to the cross; cling to His death and His resurrection-the very message of hope that I am passionate in sharing. I will cling to the will of my heavenly Father; I want these feelings of sadness to not be so present, but I know that His will is being done and to that, I cling.
There is joy in the clinging. There is joy in knowing that by clinging to the one thing that can offer hope, we can leave each country with full peace that our obedience will lead people to the feet of our High King, Jesus. I look forward to standing shoulder to shoulder with people we’ve met in each country singing “Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God Almighty” at the feet of our Father.
