I am a hoarder of grace.
In the past, I have wondered why I only let certain people get close to me and break down my walls of personal space and comfort. I just assumed it was my personality…
In the past, if you hurt me – I held that hurt very close and built impenetrable walls around my heart and locked my heart behind those walls if the damager was near…
In the past, I would rather continue to play the role of the "funny girl" than to show people I was hurting, or that my feelings had been hurt…
In the past, I buried everything deep, deep down into my spirit, never allowing it to surface so that it wouldn't change people's perspectives of me…
… it was easier that way.
In the past, I chose whether or not I loved you and would show true grace to you… it was easier that way.
I have always loved John 1:16 "For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." Every time I read and think about it, I just picture those fancy champagne glass towers that when poured into, each glass overflows and pours into each other.
What a great illustration, am I right?!
THAT is not how I functioned. In reality… I was the top glass that mayyybe spilled out into the first row…maybe.
I was choosy. I decided who I was going to give this grace and love to. I made the decision based upon how I felt towards that person and based upon how much love they showed me.
That choice rooted such a deep root of pride within me that up until lately, I never saw as pride.
I remember being curious as to why I was only close to a few people; why my personal space bubble was so unusually large; why I had a hard time thinking of conversational starters.
The answer: I was too prideful to actually care about people I didn't really know.
I was too scarred from people's choices towards me that I let it determine how much grace I gave them in return.
I measured out the true grace I gave…if I gave any at all.
I felt slighted.
I acted as if I was owed something.
This pride hindered my ability to look past my friends' faults and mistakes.
This pride hindered my ability to look past my family's faults and mistakes.
This pride hindered my ability to discern things in my own walk.
This pride hindered my ability to have different perspectives at times.
This pride hindered my ability to love the team I was placed on for this next year.
In Matthew Chapter 10, Jesus is sending out his disciples and he tells them, "And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons. Freely you received, freely give."
…freely you received, freely give…
freely. give.
The Lord has brought to light my pride and has shattered it.
The pieces are still there, but are now being swept up and thrown away by the grace of Jesus.
I will never not struggle with pride but I am aware now that it IS a struggle and that I don't have to bear the weight of it. I don't have to feel any condemnation for it.
As I ask almost every Saturday night for all of those gathered to worship to lay down any hindrances before the throne: I am truthfully laying down my pride.
For the first time in my life, I'm truly letting it go – with no expectations of any return.
freely you received, freely give.
I have received grace upon grace, so freely I want to give grace upon grace.
I get to walk with a new stride of freedom.
I am being freed from my pride. I am free from the walls I have built so thickly around my heart. I am free to love everyone I come into contact with. I am free to forgive those who have hurt me. I am free to let the past be the past. I am free to love.
What do you want to be freed from?
What is the Lord asking you lay at his feet?
I hoarded grace. What are you hoarding?
Let Him have it and walk in Light.
He's working in our waiting, sanctifying us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPkMbhydU9I&noredirect=1
I am a work in progress, sanctified by the blood and ONLY through the blood of the perfect lamb.
