WARNING: Extreme vulnerability about to happen in this blog. Continue reading at your own risk of wanting to live more vulnerably.
I have issues. I have hurts, habits, and hang-ups that I struggle with daily. One of the biggest of those is not trusting people, and because of that, not being able to form deeper relationships built in vulnerability. And this month I hit my relational wall.
So far on the race I have grown in many ways: giving up the illusion of control, doubt and unbelief, identity in the world, etc. Being in month seven, it is easy to feel that you have learned a great deal, become a new person, and now need to walk more Christ-like in every moment. But that is not the reality of my situation; God is not done growing me. And this month in Estonia that fact smacked me in the face.
It started with lies from the enemy. “My team doesn’t love me”, “My team forgets about me”, “My team doesn’t want to hangout with me”, “My team’s dynamics wouldn’t change if I wasn’t there”. These lies bounced back and forth in my head for days. I fell silent. They robbed the joy I had been walking in. They changed how I looked at, talked to, and interacted with my team. I became no fun to be around. I shut down, didn’t want to talk, and felt so unloved.
One of our Squad Leaders saw my shut down and asked to go on a walk with me. He opened up the floor for me to be able to get out my frustration and hurt, and he challenged me to look at what my role was in each interaction. While sitting down in a coffee shop he pointed out hard things, such as my pride getting in the way of my relationships. I began crying as I verbal processed my struggle to trust others with the hard things, show them my weaknesses, and let them love me. It was the epiphany, and cry, that I needed.
We returned to the hostel and I knew what I had to do. I had to humble myself and ask to speak with my team at lunch. Normally I wait for others to come to me when I feel hurt, because in my mind I am the one who is hurt so they should come to me. But the Lord told me, “No. You need to go to them. You need to lead with vulnerability. Remember you asked to be humbled just a week ago; here is your chance.” With my tail between my legs I asked if I could talk to them during lunch. It’s the first none ministry thing I said to many of them in days. They all, some more enthusiastically than others, said yes!
Walking into our room for lunch was so nerve racking. I was going over what I wanted to say in my head. But as I sat down I couldn’t remember anything I previously planned. I just began to spit pieces of my heart onto the floor. I told them my struggles. I told them pieces from my past. I told them how I had been feeling the last few days, and which of their actions made me feel that way. I cried, I stuttered, and I word vomited. I was so afraid of them seeing me weak and seeing me raw. I was so scared of their reaction.
But, they never looked harshly at me. They never judged me. They THANKED me. They loved on me, supported me, and spoke truth into the lies. They explained situations, and made agreements to be more sensitive in areas I am working on. They showered me in love, and oh did I cry. I felt the weight that pulled down my heart suddenly lift. The darkness in my head was cast out by the light they were able to shine. I was vulnerable, and they did not run. I said hard things, and they loved me still. I showed my weakness, and they stayed right there. Wow. When you give your team, or people in general, a chance, they might blow you away with grace and love.
I felt like myself again after lunch. I felt the freedom that I had earlier been walking in return. I felt a new found energy; which is a big deal being that we have difficulty sleeping with 20 hours of sunlight a day! I felt the wall I had built up start coming down, brick by brick. And I felt the challenge this month was going to be.
This month might be one of the biggest months of growth yet! It is going to be hard and uncomfortable, but worth it. He is going to help me break down a huge barrier so that I can help others break down theirs’. EEK!
God gave me a challenge… a really nerve-racking one. He wants me to bust down the wall by being completely vulnerable with my story. He has challenged me to do something pretty crazy next week. We are still working out the details, but I will write to you all about how it goes in a ‘part 2’. Prayer for courage, bravery, and strength would be greatly appreciated!
I have two teammates still fundraising! They have a little under two weeks to be fully funded or they risk being sent home!! Please help bless them by donating or sharing their story. Thank you for your continued love and support 🙂
http://sareeceheitmann.theworldrace.org/ – $1,844 to go!
http://rebeccaschibler.theworldrace.org/ – $1,915 to go!
