Adventures WorldRace SethBarnes Sponsorship Giving

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These last couple of weeks have been such a journey. Usually when we say we have been on a journey, we find something of value.

Me, however, I lost something.

Note: If you start reading now, you HAVE to finish 🙂 (or just skip to the end 😉 

 I wake up, log onto my World Race account and check my “Support Info.”

It looks the same as it did before I went to sleep.  

            My mind races, my heart pounds rushing the blood of insecurity through my veins.  “I’m being selfish for leaving on this mission while my family is dealing with this.” “What if I missed it and I’m no supposed to go after all?” One speck of doubt, one small thought, led to insecurity of what God has called me to. “Now that I think about it, none of the finances are coming in. I’m not doing enough to get them in, I don’t have the time.” “My first deadline is in 2 weeks!! What am I going to do!!?” 

 So many questions. So many doubts. 

Confusion overwhelms me, confines me, holds me tightly like I’m buried alive with no way to get out. I felt stuck. My every effort was useless. My soul knows I’m called to this. My spirit encourages me to keep hold of Gods faithfulness, but my heart continues pounding insecurity through me. I’m confused. I’ve changed everything in my life to make this mission happen. I have no back up plan and the money just isn’t coming in! 

All these thoughts of what I need to be doing, what I could do, what I am or am not going to do, what if I don’t go, what if I do go…. I. I. I. 

I lost  focus, I lost my wonder, the awe, of who God is.. I became so confused- second guessing what I KNOW with every part of my spirit, God has called me to. Confusion is a monster, it’s a virus, it’s Satan’s tactic. Confusion breeds insecurity, and insecurity stems from fear and then it feeds off eachother.  It paralyzes you. It pushes you from Christ instead of encouraging you to Him. It leaves you paralyzed. Motionless. Overwhelmed, gasping for life. 

After two weeks of being spiritually paralyzed, emotionally drained, and tossed around in a sea of confusion- I was broken and scared to take another step. “what if the money doesn’t come?” But, just like the stars I saw every night- GOD IS FAITHFUL.

“God wants you to be patient.” 
That’s what  I read on my phone as a friend of mine, having no idea of my struggle, sent me Wednesday afternoon. I was slightly annoyed, my pride spiked my thoughts, “I know I need to be patient!” but my heart was encouraged, maybe even softened. I didn’t realize it was hardened until that afternoon. I had no understanding of why, though. My squad kept sending updates about how God was moving in their finances, encouraging us to keep trusting God, I was happy for them, but my hardened heart was paralyzed and I was almost bitter. “Why is this not happening for me!?” I went to church that evening and my pastor, Brian, spoke on confusion. 
Word after word, verse after verse, chipped away at the confusion and fear that paralyzed my heart from thriving in the truth of God’s faithfulness. 
Realization hit me hard, but it wasn’t heavy.
“What is happening?” That was my thought as he spoke about Matthew 6. 

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

There it was. “SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND ALL THESE THINGS WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU AS YOU NEED THEM.”

I could feel again. 

I lost focus. When did this missions trip become about ME Making it happen?

It was never meant to be that way. 

It was never meant to be about ME!! 

I lost purpose.

I wasn’t okay with the idea of not going, even at a later time, because I wrapped so much of my identity in figuring out how to go, I forgot my purpose is to let God be God and praise Him for it.  

God, in His Grace sought my attention and reeled me back in. He captivated me, assured me of what He has called me to, and overwhelmed my heart with His peace. I realized I made this about me. It’s not. It’s not supposed to be about me. I’m so thankful He drew my attention back to Him, and shattered the shell of confusion that paralyzed my heart. 

 

The next day I was talking to one of my friends, and I told her about what my journey had been the last two weeks. I mentioned, “maybe being patient means I’m supposed to leave later than January. I could never speak that before, but I’m realizing it’s not about me. What ever God wants me to do, whenever He calls me to do it, THAT is what I want and THAT is what I will be okay with..” 

LET ME REMIND YOU. STILL HAVE A DEADLINE AND AM LACKING $2000 AT THIS POINT!! But, I’m trusting God, as He is so faithful. I knew it was going to take a miracle. If He is truly calling me, He will make it come. It wasn’t my responsibility. 

NOW, HERE IS THE MIRACLE: 

I go to work Friday morning. I finish teaching Jr. High chapel (my favorites to teach, by the way ;)). The school announced that the offering taken up from the kids in chapel on Fridays will be donated to my World Race. Mr. B comes up and hands me a check. I open it, and if I’m being honest having small expectation, see $1000. I couldn’t help but cry. It was a good cry. I was so thankful for Gods Grace- even while I was so self-consumed, self focused, He had a plan to carry through His promise all along. I’m also thankful for LCA (Life Christian Academy) and the obedience they’ve shown. SO THAT WAS PART ONE!!

I’m now $720 short. Which seems doable in two weeks. So, I plan a garage sale for Next weekend (its on the 20th!) 

Well once again, God overwhelms me with His faithfulness. 

Sunday morning, a combination of people donated to me, and as I put everything in it’s place-I’m blown away by a total of $550. 

I’m so grateful. I’m so captivated by Gods goodness. 

I am now only $140 away from my first deadline. HOW MIRACULOUS IS THAT!? Over 3 days, God provided more than $1500 for this trip. If that’s not confirmation, I don’t know what is! hahah 

Needless to say, the last two weeks have been a journey. I lost my focus, I momentarily traded my freedom for fear, but God restored and replenished and set me free. His love has proven strong, and His faithfulness has proven to be relentless. I’m so thankful our God is so merciful. 

I hope this helps with whatever you may be going through. God is faithful. Just focus on Him. This life isn’t about me, or you, or what we are going through. It’s all about Him. His love. His glory.

So, that’s where we are. A realization this isn’t about me going on a missions trip… This is about God being lifted up through me. It’s not about me. It’s about allowing God to use me. It’s about Him showing up and showing the world HIS love. 

Thank you for your prayers and support 🙂 

with all the love in my heart, 

Andie