The comparison (you owe me this) game.
what a stupid game created by the enemy.
but guess what, I've been playing this game for months now.
In my head, December 12th feels like tomorrow every day. I follow other racers and see them meet the deadline or even become fully funded before we even launch. Inside, I'm envious.
For some reason, I thought that I was owed something. I've given so many years of my life to volunteer work, and investing in churches and other ministries. I never expected to get paid or asked for anything in return.
This past month I was so convinced in my mind that because I've given so much of my time to God's work, His people owed me their money.
I was getting angry at God. It felt like He forgot about me.
For hours I would sit in His presence reminding Him of my need and screaming,
"do you even care? Look at what I've DONE for YOU!"
God owed me this one by giving me what I wanted, which is every world racers dream; to be fully funded.
I deserved it, because I worked for it.
HA. I worked for it. What a joke. Since when has God been a God of works?
Hear me out church, thinking this was never ever my intention when I served. I never did it to be recognized. I did it because I found joy in it, I found excitement, I loved investing my time in a ministry and seeing His hand work in the lives around me as well as my own. I saw God most in those moments of leading and serving.
I believed a lie though. Because it's easy to when you're in such a vulnerable place, a helpless place…
and that's one of the many lessons I believe God is trying to show me.
He's giving me what I need. Sometimes it's not what I want, but it's always exactly what I need.
The truth is, this isn't mine to claim. It's been a journey.
I'm already on my race.
my race started when I chose to lay down my life and truly follow Him my senior year of High school,
and it ends when He calls me Home.
He humbled me. Finally.
I gave up, and I gave in.
It started with a squad mate supporting my ministry, the money she could have easily used for her own ministry to support mine, because she saw my need, my desperation. I know her well enough to know that she was listening and obeying the Holy Spirit.
it was perfect timing.
His perfect timing.
And He used her to open my eyes to a bigger picture and humble me. I was finally listening.
slow down. quit worrying. this isn't your burden to carry. This isn't yours, its Mine.
watch.
So I stopped talking crap and watched
I watched 3 more squad mates support me. I couldn't believe it. two nights ago I learned something from them…
Something about their trust and how they care so deeply about me.
Some of them are still trying to meet the 7,500 goal in order to launch, but they chose to give to my ministry.
I want to be like them. I want to have their kind of faith. So, I did what they did. I supported other racers financially. It wasn't much.. but it was all I could afford to do.
then the Lord gave me a sense of peace for the first time in weeks…
At that point in time, I still had a $1,321 need.
Yesterday, It started with getting a letter with a support slip in it. A sweet friend from Austin chose to support me monthly.
Then another racer from a different squad decided to take 1, 3-5 off my fundboard.
Then my old youth pastor and his wife asked to take another number off my board.
Then a lifelong friend/college roommate asked if she could support me monthly.
Then she took a number off my fund board.
Then a college friend donated 321 dollars to my race.
Then my teammate asked to take number 47 off my board for the number of people on our squad.
What? Like.. what?
Last night, I totaled the amount donated to me…
as of yesterday, I only need to raise 192 dollars in order to leave for the race.
what? I began to cry. I began to repent. I began to become overwhelmed with how much He loves me.
"Oh you of little faith." I heard Him say. "Of course I'm sending you. I just ask for you to trust me, have faith in me"
Praise Him ya'll, He is good all the time, even when you may feel like He's not… He is. He's not crazy, He knows your need… He just asks for you to have faith in Him.
