Going into the race I asked and expected big things, but a part of me doubted I could be used in any of them.
Month one was a wild ride of emotions. When going on the race they tell us we will most likely experience abandonment and brokenness as we seek God and that it would look different for everyone.
This race is hard.
and I feel like hard is an understatement.
The easy part was applying, interview, and the anticipation of just getting on the field.
But the moment I stepped on the field my life and foundation has shaken completely.
I went through periods of feeling abandonment and not knowing how to even grasp the thought that I'm here for another 10 months.
Then the brokenness decided to make its home within me.
Month one was a wild ride of emotions.
I got confused and realized every terrible thing I've experienced and believed about myself was a big fat lie.
I realized that I compromised myself to make others like me; the passions, the desires of my heart, my dreams, and even the small things like books, movies, music, and activities all to be accepted by the world.
I pushed them aside for friendships or relationships telling myself they didn't matter,
but they did.. because they made me, me.
I was a confusing mess because I didn't know what I liked anymore and that's a really weird place to be.
My foundation shook because I've never truly stood firm in who God was and trusted Him completely.
I stood on a foundation of seeking approval of others and pushing myself aside.
me.
who am I?
But I would always say I trusted Him, my words would say some things and my actions another.
But isn't trust based on taking leaps of faith even when it hurts or doesn't make sense knowing he will provide more than we can imagine?
Debrief was good, no.. it was perfect.
We were back with the whole squad again and spent 6 days however we wanted.
I chose to let go of things that I was holding on to and trust the Lord completely for the very first time.
And it hurt.
But I had to trust that He had something beautiful in store for me this year and not get distracted from things back home.
The last night we had our last worship session, that day before I let the thing I love go and laid it down at the Lord's feet telling Him to take it.
I was a mess.
I fell on my face in worship and wrote down all the lies I knew the enemy was speaking over me the month prior.
I fell on my face in worship and wrote down all the lies I knew the enemy was speaking over me the month prior.
Sobbing, I prayed over the long list that I've made and replaced all the crap lies with truth from scripture and spoke life over myself.
The Lord then began putting pictures of my past memories and asked me to repent of them, I did.
I walked outside to the bonfire and stated intently at the fire with the pieces of paper in my hand, my flesh grasped them hard, but my spirit begged me to throw them into the fire and let it burn. I knew that once I let them go, I no longer had a reason or excuse to believe them anymore because they were all replaced with truth.
It's kinda twisted…
I finally got the courage to crumble them up and let them burn.
I said bye to my relationship and the control that I had over it.
To my plans.
To my future.
To the lies.
and in that moment I gave God the okay to do whatever He wanted to do with me however and whatever that looks like.
I'd be lying if told you I instantly felt great afterward, because I definitely didn't.
It was hard.
But I did feel the load being lightened.
My life is not my own anymore.
and I never ever ever ever want it to be.
The things I let go of will never be a part of me again.
All that began this month for me. I had open hands to tell God to do whatever He wanted.
He's romanced me, waking me up at sunrise hours to watch His creation, talking to me on a daily basis telling me I'm beautiful, worthy, and valued. He tells me He loves me every single day, multiple times a day. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. The way He adores me is romantic.
I've spoken in prophecy. I've seen healing emotionally and physically. I've ministered with the Holy Spirit. I'm learning to walk in the authority He has given me and entrusted me with. I've heard testimonies of 12 year old girls who have been raped by a family member, had the child and are now on fire for Christ and beautiful women of God. I've fallen in love with babies that have been abandoned. I've owned the creative side in me and allowed myself to love that about myself. I've chosen joy in hard times. I've been righteously angry. I've felt spiritual warfare and learned the importance of fighting against it. The Lord has stirred a desire of adoption in me even more than ever before. I'm learning to listen to the voice of the Lord. I'm falling in love with my savior. deeply. He's telling me my identity every single day, He's telling me my gifts.
I have stories, but stories that are for another blog.
I want to thank everyone who has supported me financially and in prayer to get me here.
I'm changing,
I'm learning,
I'm breaking,
and I'm loving it.
it sucks.
But, I'm exactly where He wants me to be, I'm learning to accept that and beg for more.
I know we are all in different places…
Can you say the same for yourself?
Are you willing to press in for more, even when it's hard?
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