Here's a glimpse of my ramblings and thoughts.
Give me grace as you read this and understand I'm more than blessed to be here.
Often times I question what I'm even doing here.
Do you ever do that with your job or life?
Why am I here in Thailand?
What is my purpose as world racer?
What is my purpose on my team?
Where do I stand?
As God's daughter.
As His faithful servant.
As His beloved.
Is it really just to love others freely because I've freely received His love and grace?
That sounds too simple.
It's not complicated enough.
But why does it have to be complicated?
I've never questioned more than I have lately.
Maybe its because I've been getting hard feedback on what I'm doing from people important to me back home.
Maybe its because I've dropped everything I once had, for this trip.
Maybe its because i see all my friends graduate and I remember that I was supposed to graduate with them.
But here I am,
all the way across the world,
on a mission trip that I've wanted to do for 2 years,
questioning.
2 years ago, I never thought i'd be in month 5 wondering what the hell i'm doing.
I thought I'd be saving lives.
I thought I'd be holding babies.
I thought I'd be rescuing women from the sex industry.
Or something like that.
I thought I'd be someone I'm not.
"you put your life on hold for this."
But did I really?
What was my life before this?
I left college after a year of flunking out.
I moved from Marshall back to Austin working to survive.
All the money I made went to rent.
Then Austin to Tyler working to pay rent,
just waiting until my summer internship in Louisiana.
Then to California for 4 months to prepare for this trip…
I wasn't in school.
I was just working to keep myself busy and because that was the thing to do.
I never enjoyed it.
I spent all last summer interning for 3 months before this trip at Camp Fuego.
Was that purposeful?
Did i made an impact?
Why did I do that?
I always thought and said it was because the Lord prompted me to…
I always said He told me to…
I wouldn't have considered the world race again if it wasn't for my best friend Chris Qualls,
pushing me to their booth at a convention in Dallas, Tx.
Was that really the purpose of all my travels the past year?
The purpose for doing the internship?
For the Lord to bring me all the way across the world to serve for free?
Living off a certain amount of allowance a month from my parents?
Living out of a 68 L backpack?
Sleeping on a sleeping bag and sleeping pad?
Only having a weeks worth of clothes for 11 months?
Traveling off donations that goes to the organization?
Hoping and praying I'd make each deadline?
Waiting patiently,
sometimes impatiently,
for the day I'd be fully funded.
Sometimes having little faith that I'd even make the 16,200 dollar deadline.
Begging the Lord to work on my behalf.
Still wondering if the 2000 that I need will come through by next month.
a part of me doubts,
but another part is on the floor before the throne asking,
begging even.
Am i really making the most of my time here?
The world race is everyday life, is life in the states hard?
So, of course life here would be hard too.
I'm living in each of these countries like I would live here for good.
That's how invested we get.
I want to experience each country to it's fullest.
Is that wrong?
To do fun things too?
Like beaches? Riding elephants? Kayaking on lake managua? Going zip lining in Costa rica?Staying on an island in Nicaragua?
I don't want to think so… but sometimes i wonder.
I want to embrace the day.
I want to embrace the adventure the Lord leads for me.
But, someday's I'm just really sad.
Sometimes I struggle so much.
Sometimes I wonder if this is even worth it.
"you better get your act together and know what you're going to do when you get back."
But what if i don't?
I don't want to work.
I never want a 9-5 job again after experiencing this…
What If I don't?
Will I get to the end of this year and hear the lord say "well done my child."
Or will he be agreeable with all the people telling me I wasted my time.
I'd like to believe He'll be proud of me.
After all my deepest desire is to please Him, not man.
Over and over He's spoken so much love, grace, and pride over me.
So why would He not be?
But it's so hard when you're not pleasing the people most important to you.
People pleasing. It's such a trick the enemy plays with us.
Making us believe we have to people please.
I guess this is what persecution feels like?
maybe not.
what do I know.
"We were under great pressure,… so that we despaired even of life… but this happened that we might not reply on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)
Pressed beyond measure; yes, pressed to great length;
Pressed so intensely, beyond my own strength;
Pressed in my body and pressed in my soul,
Presed in my mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure from foes, and pressure from dear friends.
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.
Pressing into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving His staff and His rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living my life for the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.The pressure of difficult times makes us value life. Every time our life is spared and given back to us after a trial, it is like a new beginning. We better understand its value and thereby apply ourselves more effectively for God and for humankind. And the pressure we endure helps us to understand the trails of others, equipping us to help them and to sympathize with them. Some people have a shallowness about them. With their superficial nature, they lightly take hold of a theory or a promise and then carelessly tell of their distrust of those who retreat from every trial. Yet a man or woman who has experienced great suffering will never do this. They are very tender and gentle, and understand what suffering really means. This is what Paul meant when he said, death is at work in us (2 Cor. 4:12). Trails and difficult times are needed to press us forward, They work in the way the fire in the hold of a mighty steamship provides the energy that moves the pistons, turns the engine, and propels the great vessel across the sea, even when facing the wind and the waves.
So, praise God in advance for my questioning because He's quick to give me answers.
