"Andie girl,
God is big enough and strong enough to hold you while you're pounding on His chest."
Month 6.
more than half way done.
This is where it gets hard.
I can turn back now or keep pressing in.
a part of me says,
"you're half way there, you get what the race is like, you've done it for 5 months now.
You've been left heart broken and disappointed more times than not.
You've wanted to do this trip for 2 years, but it's left you feeling like a failure at month 6. Just go home."
The other says,
"you're half way there, there's more to see, there's more to do, you're half way there.
Push through this and you can push through anything.
You've committed. You can do this. Stick this out… this isn't how it should end."
But, In my eyes, God failed me.
Looking at it from the short view of my perspective, I have no reason to stay.
I'm clouded by my emotions.
I'm impulsive and make rational decisions, especially if i'm angry.
Looking at it from the bigger view of God's perspective, I have more reasons to stay than not. It just happens to be the harder road to take. It means more sacrifices and more humility.
I'm at a cross roads…
I have a choice to make.
To go home or to stay?
Last night, I talked with my team leader about what's going on emotionally.
My emotions have been dictating my decisions and perspective on life.
"I'm done.
I'm over this.
I'm going home."
My heart has been set on going home for days now. I was beginning to look up plane tickets to see how much they would be, I've never been more serious about this.
It went from a thought during debrief to a decision.
I'm going home…
But why go home?
God failed me.
People have given up on me.
He ended my relationship.
He made a promise to me during training camp…
but, i'm still reaping the repercussions of it.
It's getting too hard.
He broke His promise.
Why do this anymore if He's not trust worthy?
Why do this anymore if He's not going to stand by what He says?
Why do this anymore if He's left me in my anger?
God's voice seems too far away.
Too faint to hear.
Too hard to press into.
"God is big enough and strong enough to hold you while you're pounding on His chest."
I'm pounding. I'm pounding hard. My temper is sky rocketed. My anger is worse than before.
God had failed me.
I thought He loved me?
I thought He wanted good things for me?
I'm running away.
Running away from my teammates.
Running away from my community.
Running away from my mentors.
Running away from reality.
But, I have no where to run except to my self pity.
"Andie, you've been wanting to do this for 2 years.
You know you're not going to go home.
You've waited too long for this."
BUT WHY. Why did I want this so badly? Why was this so freaking important to me? Why was it such a desire? Why did I build it up in my head? It's nothing I imagined it would be.
"Daughter,
Pound hard. Pound harder. Pound as hard as you can. I am strong enough. I am enough.
Keep pounding until you can't pound anymore. I am strong enough. I am enough.
Keep yelling until you can't yell anymore. I am strong enough. I am enough.
Keep kicking until you can't kick anymore. I am strong enough. I am enough.
Keep trying until you can't try anymore. I am strong enough. I am enough.
Keep running until you can't run anymore. I am strong enough. I am enough.
You may think this life isn't for you. But, this life is made for you.
You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.
While you throw this tantrum. I will hold you in your anger, in your sorrow, in your restlessness.
I am why you did this.
I am why you chose this life.
I Am.
I Am hasn't given up on you."
I began to hear Him talking, so I wrote what I was hearing.
Unexpected… but, kind. I didn't expect Him to respond while I'm writing this rant, but, He did. I guess He can handle me.
I'm reminded of Thailand.
It was such a interesting country for me. It was spoken over me that I was going there 2 years ago. since then, I've been intrigued by what He had for me there.
I expected big things to happen, bigger than what actually did happen.
I left Thailand disappointed and angry.
While talking with my teammate on the bus ride to Laos she said,
"you know, maybe it wasn't supposed to be as big as you expected it to be. Maybe it was just for God to show you He follows through with His promises. And maybe thats enough."
I agreed, though, I didn't exactly believe it was enough… I tried to convince myself that it was.
Just to follow through with His promise? To show He was trust worthy? That's it?
But, right now, i believe it was enough.
And I wonder, how I believe so strongly that He broke His promises, if He hasn't even answered them yet…?
It's the only hope I have.
It has to be enough.
He promised.
He has to make it happen in His own timing…
so, maybe this will make sense 2 years from now? Maybe sooner?
"Therefore I will allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will giver her back her vineyards, and will make the valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came up out of Egypt. 'In that day,' declares the Lord, you will call me my husband; you will no longer call me 'my master' I will remove the names of the baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle will abolish from the land, so they all may lie down in safety. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord." Hosea 2
So, all to say, I'm going home.
Home is where my Dad is.
Home is in His arms.
Home is where I'm pounding, kicking, and screaming.
Home is where I'm being held.
God may have failed me from my point of view in things, because the things I wanted are no longer a part of my life.
But then I think, He actually saved me.
He saved me from myself and my selfish desires.
He lured me away and out of them.
He told me He had big plans for me that He's going to fulfill them… and reality is, the things I had weren't aligned with what He has planned.
God is big enough and strong enough to hold me while i'm pounding on His chest.
And while I'm pounding, He's holding me, speaking tenderly to me.
I didn't expect this to end this way… but it did.
I really didn't know how it was going to end.
Funny how He reveals things to you while you write and process.
I still have $2,455 left to raise by the end of THIS MONTH in order to stay on this trip. If you feel led to help me stay, click here
