I've been avoiding blogging. Granted, i've only had this blog for a whole 24 hours… but none the less really wanted to say SOMETHING about this, about what the Lord is doing, about my journey.
I've been staring at this blank page for a good 20 min trying to find the words that would move you, that would help you understand my excitement and joy. I've been trying to find something that would grab your attention and make you want to continue to read my blogs. I'm not much of a blogger. I'm not good with my words, I tend to ramble, I'm not good at grammer or spelling (so please bare with me this upcoming journey)… but that's what i've been wrestling with.
So In this moment, in Jesus' name I pray against any of my pride and for His humility and for the Spirit to give me words, because without Him my words are meaningless. I pray that nothing I say is to please YOU, but to please my sweet Dad. I pray that He helps guide me throughout this blog, and beyond that, throughout this journey before, during, and after the race.
amen.
I can't help but remember where I was this time last year, I can't help but be relieved. Relieved of what the Lord has graciously shown me and brought me from.
You see, years ago, I felt a call to missions, and more recently, felt the call to the World race. This time last year, I applied for the september 2012 trip, I was waiting to hear back, anxiously.
December, in my waiting, I believe that the Lord gave me a choice in that time, to give up the things that were hindering my relationship with Him and go on this crazy, fun, adventure of reckless abandonment, or not. Still yearning for this, I chose not. There were a lot of complications in my life at the time and plans that were everywhere at once, nothing was settled. I felt like I was perfect for this trip for that reason, because I didn't know where my life was headed and desired to be changed, to be stretched. But now realize nobody is perfect for this trip. Nobody deserves to go on this trip. Nobody deserves to be a vessle. Nobody deserves to called a child of God. But we are, and we can, we are heirs to the Throne.
What an honor.
Too make a long dragged on story short, I got denied in January.
As much as most of me gave up altogether on everything, I heard a faint voice "be patient". "wait". It was a rocky rollercoaster, but the yearning for the world race was never stronger. it's not necessarily about the trip, it's what the Lord wants to do with me on this trip.
After the denial, naturally, I was angry and bitter towards the race, I stopped reading the blogs, I got angry at every person I met that was going on the race or even applying. I was a little pathetic if you ask me…
A lot of my questions were related to this
"What the heck God? You put this passion on my heart, so why did this happen to me? Why do THEY get to go and not ME? You made it clear this is something you want me to do, so why did i get denied?"
Theres a few problems with these questions and statements,
1. they all point back at me.
2. It showed my lack of trust
and
3. I never have or will deserve to be apart of this.
This is simply a sweet gift from God.
The correct response would have been,
"okay Lord, I know you put this passion in my heart for a reason, and I know I will see your plans for me prevail, so your timing, your will, what do you have to teach me? What do I need to learn from this?"
It's all about the heart.
It's all about trust.
I was still holding on to things of this world.
I corrupted this trip the first time around.
Idolized it.
I made it mine.
when it was never mine to have.
The last 11 months have been beautiful, I wish I could say I got over my bitterness soon after I got denied, but It took till July to come to a revelation and decided to take a step of applying for another mission trip through AIM.
Now this is where it gets pretty cool and shows how the Lord really does make way for his plan in our lives. In my life.
I never applied for the world race.
I never planned to.
Honestly, if we're going to be real here, because I feel like i screwed up the first time, I didn't deserve to go at all (which I dont).
I applied for the immerse trip to South east asia, uganda africa, and central america, 3 months in each for September 2013. I finally finished the application on November 27th. The process was the same; same application, phone interview, then the wait. The waiting was different this time.
The thing is, i had plans that the Lord has given me up until august 2013, then from there trusted that He would take care of the rest. I wasn't too worried about whether or not I got the immerse trip. I was at peace with both options for me, of course I wanted to go, but I was okay if i didnt. I believe from experience, that when He says no, it normally means He has something better.
and He did.
The cut off age for the immerse trip is 22, i'll be 23. BUT they offered this to me. Naturally, through tears of joy and some jumps here and there, I gladly accepted.
God is a good, good God.
So often I put Him in a silly little box..
Theres so much for this to prepare for, but i'm ready for my life to be shaken. For my heart to be broken, for expectations to be surpassed due to the spirit… because He will. For the Spirit to move me in immense ways. For my dependence to be on Him, and Him alone.
Actually,
you know what,
I'm not ready for any of that…
But i'm willing. I'm willing for my life to be an open blank book waiting for the same Author of Time, to write a crazy beautiful story of my reckless abandonment for the kingdoms sake and for his glory. I gain nothing from this without Him going before me and leading me. Because the Lord has been gracious to me, I get the opportunity to speak on His behalf. I get the opportunity to be a vessel. To be a light in the darkest places of the world.
What an honor.
Now, friends, all I ask from you is prayer, the more I sit and think about this trip, the more real it becomes. I'm terrified, but a good terrified. is there such thing? I don't know what i'm getting myself into, and i'm okay with that, but there is still some fear that can come from that. I know for myself, I need a daily heart check, this is not about me. Prayer in that is appreciated as well. Prayer for my squad/team, that we seperately prepare and begin to equip ourselves for what we are about to throw ourselves into so that when the time comes, we are more open to being submissive to His will, and open to what the Spirit says. Prayer for our hearts, that we humbly sit at His feet and accept things as they come- trusting that He will provide (and I know every racers thinking it… financially) because he will! I have complete faith in that and He will take care of His children as he has promised. 15,500 aint no problem for Him, He just asks us to trust Him. Pray for those who can help financially and feel led to do so, they play just as big of a part in this. The Lord blesses that.
I appreciate and love each and every one of you.
I can't thank you enough for the support and prayer.
You are all blessings to me.
