~Prologue~
{This blog, you may find a bit lengthy for your taste, which I totally understand. I don’t expect many others than my mom to really read the whole thing. But, if you are on a journey of trying to find yourself, or you are in a place of total confusion and frustration of who you are, then please do set aside 10 minutes and read and think on what God has been showing me. He is a good Dad, and He knows who we are even when we may not.}
India has been an interesting journey in the testing, attack, and affirmation of my identity. It started as soon as we walked off the plane and into Delhi. Something changed, something was different. Confusion totally took over my mind and perception of myself.
Obviously, this was not good. Michael (our coach) asked me at debrief what my strengths were, and I was literally speechless. I could not think or talk. Nothing would come. I was feeling like a World Race failure. The whole identity thing was something I thought I had figured out earlier. I was ready to move on and learn what my role in the Kingdom was. I got really frustrated with myself for not knowing the answer, like I was sitting in the SAT test or something. I was confused. I felt like my eyes were blinded.
I had a total lack of knowledge as to who I, Andrea Wendel, am. What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? My giftings? My talents? Why am I who I am and who am I? Who has God created me to be?
Little did I know, that there were about six others who were struggling with the exact same thing. We were on the roof one night worshiping, and one of the guys mentioned that his identity was being attacked. At that moment, something was released. His freedom to voice that brought it out into the light, and it gave freedom to me and others. Freedom to admit it and know that we are not alone in it.
We talked through the fact that the enemy has a really strong foothold in this city, and that this is a people full of confusion. Which god is real, this one, that one, the cow across the street, one of the other 300 idols/animals to choose from? This cloud and heaviness of confusion was definitely having its way in us.
We talked about was that we had just spent three months apart from the whole squad. We had changed, grown, and become new people in that three months, and none of us really knew how to be that new person with all the other new people around us. We were trying to figure out how we worked together and fit in as a family again.
We talked about how our spiritual lives are supposed to go through testing. James wrote in his first chapter that we should “count it joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
And the final thing we discussed was that there were times of intense testing that even Jesus went through. He wandered in the desert for 40 days being tested. The devil straight up asked him in Luke 4, “IF you are the Son of God…” Jesus himself had to battle the enemy challenging his identity. If he had to battle it, then no doubt that is an area that the enemy will try to defeat us in as well.
So then we gathered together as a family, united as the new people that we are, to be prayed over, encouraged, and affirmed in who we are and the good work that the Lord is doing in us and through us.
Since that night, the fog has been lifting. The darkness and confusion is not nearly as dark and confusing. The desert is springing up oases all over. So much light was brought through that prayer and encouragement. And the Father has since been speaking to me a great deal through other people and through circumstances about who I am and how He has gifted me.
It is turning into an acknowledgment that I am at the absolute end of myself. I could no longer define myself by things people had told me I was, or by the surface strengths and weaknesses that go on the resume. The enemy may have been toying with me, but He just pushed me further and deeper into the process and journey of who I am as my God defines me. I had finally arrived at the place where I am nothing. There were no words. I had no answers.
And freedom comes in that. I no longer have to live up to a false standard. I am no longer responsible to any expectation. My Father is giving me the freedom of total death to myself. So that I am no longer the one who lives, but that the perfect Christ is the one who lives in me through the power and anointing of the Spirit. It is easy now. I just need to be nothing. Nothing, so that He can be everything. It really lets me off the hook. It is quite brilliant actually. I only am who I am because of the God that I serve, who is the I AM.
~Epilogue~
{A very wise woman once told me that you won’t know who you are until you know who your God is. (That wise woman being Caroline Crawford; told to me two weeks ago). Haha.}
