World Race is really revealing a lot for me internally. I've heard it's a really difficult journey, and it already has been, in the 3 weeks since I was accepted.
As soon as I was accepted, little obstacles started jumping up at me here and there, and with every single one I thought to myself, Ha. I knew it. This just proves it's not really from the Lord. This is just one more NO hidden in a fake YES.
I was basically making excuses as to why I didn't need to trust that God had my back- that I could depend on Him as my fierce Defender and Provider. Every little thing that came up that I needed to fight through- or even just wait through- was one more nail in the coffin of my trust.
Further- I work in a restaurant as a server. If you've read any of my original blog Dancing Through Life, I'm sure you've come across a blog or two about the horrors of serving people in a restaurant. It's pretty awful. People, in general, are at their worst when they are hungry and, living in a small-ish town- in Kentucky no less- means many people, in general, have little concept of what it means to tip a server. I'm stiffed (tipped ZERO amount of anything) at the very least once every other day. I've been stiffed 6 times in a single shift. TWICE.
Working in the service industry has either revealed, or created, in me a very intense sense of distrust- and MIStrust- in humanity. I have very, very little faith in mankind, because DAILY I see such an incredible lack of generosity and kindness.
Preparing for World Race…with its infinite financial deadlines… has been emotionally exhausting for me. I trust God- that He has a will and a plan for my life. I think it involves World Race. I really, really believe it does.
However, I have VERY little faith that His children will choose to be a part of His plan in my life. I know that stems directly from working in an environment that is so emotionally crushing. And with this first deadline fast approaching- Saturday- and my being over $2000 short in a very tiny time span- it's difficult for me to trust in anything or Anyone to come through for me.
This has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind for the last week or so- really, since I started realizing how very close this deadline is. And my precious Lord has been telling me that I have this GREAT opportunity to show life-changing, earth-shattering, completely child-like, blind faith in His abundance and blessing. And I've not been taking advantage of that. I've been weeping and stressing and coming up with reason after reason of why I don't need to trust God, or wait on His timing- of why I needed to do all this on my own.
And I can't.
I can't.
He is making it VERY CLEAR that He, and ONLY HE, can do this for me. The only thing that is going to get me through these financial deadlines is The Lord Almighty showing up in a huge and powerful way. He is making it very clear that I'm not doing this on my own two feet, or under my own power. I've been spending more time looking for sponsors and donors than being with my God. And He's had it.
I have had some really emotional conversations with Him over the last couple days. And I've finally figured out that I really can't do this. I HAVE to give Him all my stress and worry and fear. I HAVE to let Him take it and replace it with His perfect peace. I have to stop second-guessing His blessings and looking for reasons why what He says isn't really what He says.
There's this song that has been on my heart for awhile now. I've spent several hours of the past week of my life crying over it. It's been a real encouragement to me in an area of my life that is difficult to reveal to anyone. I hope it brings the same blessing and encouragement to you.
