As I sit here, halfway through Month Six, skyping with my (basically) sister Alex:
obviously this was not a screen shot form that conversation…
but she's still just so pretty I had to share
…some really important truths came to light about this trip, about myself and my journey, and about Jesus. And I'm going to share them. Right now.
The World Race is not built for me. I am a planner, a strict organizer who thrives on to-do lists and knowing the what/when/where/and how's of life. While I love people and building relationships and serving people, those things also leave me quite drained at the end of the day, and the only way I recharge my batteries is by being in a quiet, empty space, alone by myself.
The World Race is really quite geared for chill, go-with-the-flow type extroverts, people who are charged by being in large groups, and are excited about the idea of "adventures."
This, unfortunately, and also shameful for me to admit, is not me.
However, there is HOPE!
While the Race, I believe, is genuinely geared toward people of that nature, people of MY nature are in a very unique and very special position to grow in ways those easy-going, stress-free adventure nuts are not: we are given the opportunity to CHOOSE TO OPT IN. You see, at the beginning of the Race, it's easy for all people to be excited, to be willing to do things they wouldn't normally do, to choose to join settings that are truly challenging- not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as well. But we're six months in now! "World Race" is no longer shiny and new. It's no longer something attractive and inviting, because it has become a lifestyle. Everything in life, if done long enough, has the temptation of becoming "just another something you do". Even something as incredible as this Race. For those that are energized by the unknown, for those that thrive on come-what-may, the Race- even at this point- is something to be cherished, treasured, and abandoned to. But for those of us who STILL want to have a plan, who have trouble submitting to someone else's decisions, who like to know what's coming so we can prepare… Month Six is when you start to lose it.
Speaking for myself, I have started to get pretty lax with my time with Jesus, especially when confronted with the statement I just don't know if you're really serious about this, because you don't get up early and spend time with Him. I realize the best time for a Racer to spend time with Jesus is probably in the morning, especially during a month when a lot of our ministry is created simply by asking the Lord which way to go. But when I feel condemned, or forced to have my Jesus time look like your Jesus time, even if it's encouraged with the best of intentions, I start to get a little rebellious-y.
Also during this month I have grown weary of time spent with my team on my "off day." I feel like a Sabbath is really only a Sabbath if you spend the day resting, being lazy, not doing anything you don't want to. My team really wants to choose to spend time together, even when we don't "have" to, which means sacrificing our one day off to doing something the team wants to do. And there is SO much good in that! But there is seriously a part of me that hates it, because I feel like I'm not resting, I feel like my decisions are being made for me, and I feel like it's just one more thing I HAVE to do, rather than being able to choose what I want. Even if I was given the choice of choosing to spend time with my team, I probably wouldn't, because I still feel like that "choice" is a "do what the team want to do or we will secretly condemn you". Which is, of COURSE, not true… but there is that very serious spirit of rebellion that pops up when I seriously don't need it to.
The point is not for me to get off on a tangent of "what-if's" and "I want's", but to show you how awesome this place is for a person like me.
While this trip may become second hand for some (which is awesome), it is not to me. Which I think has been made very clear, if not painfully so. However, God has me here for a very specific and very cool reason:
PERSEVERANCE
There is this very cool thing that I get to choose to do, that not everyone gets to. And it's to persevere. Think about it: if adventure is easy for you, and schedules are no big deal, and you wake up each morning genuinely excited for the day's mysteries to make themselves known, you really don't have to struggle for growth. It just meets you somewhere out there in the wildness and beauty of the unknown. If, however, like me you want to know what's next and how to dress properly and please-just-give-me-a-say-in-what-our-day-looks-like, then you get the opportunity to CHOOSE trust. You get the opportunity to choose joy in the midst of the unknown, to choose sacrifice when things come up that you feel you don't want to do or can't emotionally do. You get to choose to opt in. When things don't come naturally, and you choose anyway, there is this very special kind of growth that occurs; this very rare and intimate kind of change that happens somewhere down in the depths of your soul, that begins to transform the very fabric of your nature, of your character.
Did I think the Race would get easier as it went? Of course I did! And in many ways it has. There has been a tremendous amount of growth for me in all of these areas, and I am stronger, smarter, more laid-back, a more enjoyable presence to be around, more loving and sacrificial….just better because of it. Yet is it still so hard to be fully present and actively engaged with so many questions up in the air? Definitely. In many ways, harder than at the beginning when all this was a treat, a magic show, a shiny new toy. BUT now comes the work. We get to the plateau where we have to be vulnerable and humbly willing to own up to some hard truths, submit to some hard realities, and choose to keep growing. Now comes the chance God gives us to choose to be here, to choose to persevere and to choose to, quite literally, "finish the race that is set before us".
If growth was an easy thing, we would all be growing all the time and we would all end up perfect by the end of the day. Everyone would be exactly who they want to be and the world would be heaven. But heaven is not found on earth and growth is not simply a cloak we wrap ourselves in. It's the dirt we find under our fingertips after a long day of playing with kids. It's the smile we put on when someone says "Can we talk?" after 10 straight hours of ministry. It's the volunteering to step into whatever tomorrow brings, even if we haven't had a say in what that might look like. Growth is the moment we take one more step than we did yesterday, and we do it with a willingness and a cheerfulness.
That's what I get to step into right now. Halfway finished with the Race, which means there's still half more to go. The cup is only half empty…. or maybe it's still half full? I don't know, I never understood how that metaphor could be so clear; it's so confusing to me! Either way, with Jesus, the cup/this Race/my life is always full to overflowing. I just have to keep it under the source long enough. And that's my plan.
PRESS. IN.
thanks for listening to a girl process, my sweet, sweet friend
