Author’s Note: This is by no means an all-inclusive list of everything to do and/or not do in regards to feedback. It can simply be the starting point to a conversation with your team/family/personal community about how you feel about giving and receiving feedback.
I recently had a conversation with one of my new teammates (team change IS survivable) about feedback. After month four of the Race, she still felt a little skeptical and confused about feedback. Being a total pro myself, after our incredibly insightful conversation, some prayer, a look back at my training camp/launch notes, and some serious contemplation, I decided I might write a memorandum for future Racers and for future self-issues.
What exactly is feedback? (And by “feedback” I will actually be referring mostly to the Constructive sort). As a part of our daily lives and a vital part of community, feedback is verbally giving someone a different perspective than they might see on an action they may not be aware is hurtful. Feedback is seeing something someone is doing that is harmful to either themselves or someone else, and calling them into holiness with courage, grace, and humility. It’s open, honest, genuine communication.
Like all things, there are good, positive ways to approach feedback, and there are bad, damaging ways to approach it that may destroy confidences, trusts, and relationships. As the goal of feedback is to call people into greatness- into holiness- feedback should be given with:
*Courage: to say the hard things, even though it’s hard.
*High Consideration: speaking truth in love- relationships are more important than issues.
*High Preference: giving others rights above your own; fighting for another instead of yourself/fighting for someone else to get that thing you want; and “What can I give up for my team/squad?” This also calls us into an immense amount of humility.
*High Honor: “I am going to treat you like royalty, like how I would treat the Lord if He were on my team, like you are the temple of the Holy Spirit.” Knowing someone’s character before you give them feedback, so you are not so much nagging at them as you are defending their character from an action that is uncharacter-like.
Things you should do:
*Be honest. Let the person you are giving feedback to know where you are coming from. If you try to hide the way that you’re feeling, the problem might never be fixed.
*Speak the blessing first. If you have constructive feedback to give, it should never be given by itself. Chaney Poston, from O Squad, had this revelation from the Lord: “Don’t even allow the person receiving feedback to feel like they have to defend themselves against what you’re saying. You should, yourself, be defending them against this action they are doing that is harmful. Your feedback shouldn’t be attacking, and shouldn’t leave the door open for distress or argument- your feedback should be reminding them who they really are, and that this action or habit is NOT who they are in the Lord.”
*Speak from a place of vulnerability. If you are giving feedback it should come from a place of genuinely wanting to see a person grow, from genuine caring.
*Give feedback within 24 hours of being upset/frustrated/offended. Check yourself first; make sure it’s not just something in you that is offendable (don’t worry- we all have those areas where we are offended easily). But make sure you’re bringing feedback form a desire to see someone else grow, rather than to air your own grievances. If, however, you are being hurt in some way, or you see someone hurting him/herself in some way, the issue needs to be addressed. If you wait longer than a day, most likely the offender will have no idea what you’re talking about and the problem becomes your own; a grudge that you maintain an unhealthy hold on. The sooner you talk over issues, the better.
Things you shouldn’t do:
*Bring up small instances that may be slightly annoying to you. If it is not a recurring theme that genuinely has the opportunity of stifling your own growth, it is probably your own problem and should be dealt with yourself.
*Speak negatively or from a place of anger or hurt. “Before you look at the speck in your neighbor’s eye, check out the plank in your own.” It is absolutely wrong to say something like “This is something you do that really annoys me, so stop it. Because it’s annoying.” You must check your heart and your motivations for giving feedback before you give it. So many scriptures remind us of where our words come from (“Out of the overflow of our hearts), and so if our hearts are negative, hurt, frustrated, embittered, or in assault-mode, then our words will reflect just that and we will give feedback from a place of pain, which only results in hurting others. Have you ever heard the old adage Hurt people hurt people? Well, it’s true. Don’t believe me? Give someone feedback out of an offended or hurt spirit and see what happens.
*Piggyback someone else’s feedback. It’s hard enough to receive well feedback that is given in front of a group of people. Don’t make it even harder by tag-teaming the receiver. If someone speaks up about an issue that you have, as well, allow that feedback to be enough for now. You can always say something if the issue does not resolve itself. But at least give the receiver time to process and digest without feeling attacked.
Why is feedback important, you might ask. What with how hard it is for people to speak affirming words (which, as Christians, is an alarming statistic, but that’s another topic altogether), it’s surely that much more difficult to speak words of confrontation or difficulty. For one thing- feedback should never be a confrontation. Secondly, if you see something that is directly harming someone- either their mind, body, spirit, or community- and you withhold that information, you are withholding a gift from them. A gift that could contain the keys to freedom! Sure, some things are hard to hear, but it’s not necessarily because it’s wrong. Often when it’s difficult to hear something, it’s because the other person is spot on and you don’t want to admit that this one failure was openly acknowledged, you don’t want to allow someone else the authority to speak into your life, or you just plain have a pride issue. I think if we delve deeply enough into all negative responses to feedback, they all come back to an issue of pride. And as scripture says, “Pride only breeds quarrels…” (Proverbs 13:10).
Speaking of receiving feedback, let’s talk about it a little more. There have been several different views on this subject within my squad. Some say it’s an invite to discussion, some say it’s okay to ask questions for clarification, some say you don’t even have to respond. I think different.
My own personal opinion is that your response for every piece of feedback received, whether affirming or constructive, should always and only ever be “Thank you.” If you don’t respond at all you’ll be disrespecting the other person’s courage (sometimes barely scrounged enough to actually say something) or you might be telling the other person nonverbally that you aren’t listening at all- another sign of disrespect. Allowing questions to be asked, even for the sake of clarification, allows room to ask pointed questions directing a defense of self, or an offensive statement. If you open the floor for discussion arguments, discussions, or defenses can be mounted that last hours and hours and end with one or both people directly involved in the feedback (as well as the rest of your team) feeling frustrated, hopeless, and without resolution, feelings that destroy community.
If your team decides that the only acceptable response in the moment of feedback is “Thank you,” this allows both the person giving and the person receiving to have to sit in the emotion that arises from the feedback. Hearing tough feedback, and the subsequent emotion(s), places you in a unique position to see your behavior, words, or actions through another’s eyes and allows you to actively decide what is wisdom (feedback you allow to change you) or what is simply off the mark (feedback you choose to let fall off your shoulders). It gives you the chance to practice choosing for yourself what you’re going to allow to affect you, and what you aren’t. So many times people in this world give you their advice or opinion, unmerited, that isn’t meant to build you up, but to tear you down. Receiving tough feedback and not being able to respond or defend gives you the chance to begin learning who and what you will allow to affect you, and what won’t. How do you know which is which? Take it to Jesus! Not being able to respond means you have to sit in that emotion, and that you have time to listen to what your Lord has to say about that matter. Not only you, but the person giving the tough stuff! If I give hard feedback, I get to see how that affects the person who is receiving. That causes emotion in me to rise up and affect me. Because the other person cannot respond or defend, I have to also spend time sitting in the emotions arising within me, and taking them to the Lord. “Is this really true, what I said? I saw how it made her feel… Was I wrong, or was I right and this is just something she will need to work out?” Either way, you learn the importance of choosing your words carefully so as not to bring further damage to the person, and you learn not to be a bandaid. It’s important for the emotions arising from situations to ferment and bring about healthy change. If you try to “fix it”- as I, for one, so often do- you’ll stunt perhaps permanently important life-changing growth.
In the end, feedback is simply about two people desiring and needing to understand each other a little better. It requires humility, vulnerability, and courage on both ends, and a desire to grow in intimacy with each other and with the Lord. Feedback is a gift. When you give feedback, you are offering someone possible life-changing perspective, as well as a piece of your own heart- it takes courage to be that vulnerable. When you receive feedback (well), you are showing kindness by encouraging the giver to continue walking in boldness, as well as giving a piece of your own heart in humbly thanking them.
