I’ve noticed that I’ve really been struggling with community lately. Not just community, in general, but specifically with simply spending time with people in a random, uneventful, social way.
What I’m meaning is that when there’s nothing for me to do, no way for me to prove myself, I cannot function.
As you all know, the Lord has been walking me through a change of identity season. I have always put so much stock and importance in the things I can do, the things I have accomplished, the skills and talents I possess. Suddenly (well, for me, not Him) He’s asking me to just be. To be okay with who I am, without my armor of accomplishments. And it’s so much harder than I expected when He told me He was about to change my life.
I feel like one of the major reasons I “hate” quality time (incidentally the love language of every boyfriend and best friend I’ve ever had), and hold no value in conversations or community or team time…why it’s SO HARD for me to just sit down at a dinner table and have a family style dinner with my team… is because I find no value in me. In who I am, just myself, without accomplishments or tasks. I don’t really find anything in myself that is very admirable or enviable outside of the things that I do, and so just “hanging out” or talking or whatever is terrifying to me. It’s almost as if I’m sans social skills! I have no way of proving that I’m valuable or worth it. I don’t particularly think I’m clever or witty or fun or funny or any of those traits possessed by those people that everyone is just naturally and insatiably drawn to. I don’t feel very charismatic or charming. The list could go on and on.
But I think this is the reason I’m struggle-bussing so much.
At home, where I’ve been everyone’s small group leader or yoga teacher or knitting circle host or (insert any number of roles I have played in the recent past) it’s okay for me to be in community because everyone knows me as something. They know me by my role, by my title, or by the help I have given them.
Here I have no role. No title. Nothing that sets me apart from anyone else. I just am. And it’s awful. It’s confusing and difficult and nerve-wracking to just sit down in a group or people and hope that I’m not lost in the crowd- hope that someone finds something in who I am that’s worthy of attention or focus or friendship.
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These are the things the Lord has revealed to me most recently. I know to acknowledge them is the first step in following Him into the freedom He has waiting for me. Acknowledging that this fear of rejection is the reason I first reject community in an environment where I have no real position is a HUGE step toward healing. To acknowledge this is to begin the process of stepping into who I really am, to finding out who I am and learning to know, accept, and love myself. I have to do these things before anyone else can, and before I can be an active, supporting, contributing member of the Acts 2 Church- which is what I am called to be.
So I acknowledge it. I have a very intense fear of rejection, I hold little value in being rather than doing, but now I can do something about it.
Praise God.
