What I am about to share with you is something that has been weighing heavy on my heart for over a week. I have gone back and forth on whether I even wanted to share this or even blog about it – but I know that in my testimony and trial there is victory. Sharing my story is part of God’s plan to use my misfortunes and hard times to bring glory to His name and share in His lovingkindness, provision and protection over my life.
July 29, 2018 at approximately 10:45 p.m. as I was dropping off a Uhaul truck from moving the entire weekend, I was assaulted at gunpoint by a black male, wearing a white tee shirt and red bandanna over his face. It was the most awful feeling in the world. The first words out of my mouth when I saw him raise a gun to my face was “Oh my God!” that was it. From there I don’t remember a whole lot other than not even thinking I was gonna die. I didn’t for one second think “This is it, I am going to die.” I was calm but at the same time shaken up. It was like an unexplainable peace about the entire situation. I had a fanny pack on, and he didn’t even take it. He just kept saying “Where’s the f**king money at bro?” to me and my male cousin, while making us get on the ground. I turned and looked at him straight in the eyes and he said “Don’t f**king look at me! (waving his gun, pointing at me, securing his bandanna over his face) Tell her not to f**king look at me!” I just kept saying “Oh my God!” Meanwhile another black male was digging through my cousins truck looking for money I suppose and another guy was waiting in the car.
I was sooooooo exhausted. All I wanted was a burger and a nice cold water. I was locking up the truck, ready to just take off and call it a night and then BOOM. This.
Looking back on this moment now, so many thoughts and fears and anxieties rise up in me. I hate that this happened. I hate that I had to experience this. I hate that I am afraid of being out past dark now. I hate that I look at every black male with fear now. This is not who I am. This is not what I want for my life. I don’t want to live in constant fear of the unknown. I am supposed to leave the country for a year to travel the world loving people like Jesus did and just accepting them as they are and now here I am judging every black male I see walking on the same side of the street as me. It’s so ugly. It’s so awful. It hurts my heart. I pray God relieves me of these fears and anxieties. I pray for these young men that thought the only way for a come up was to assault and rob others. I pray for their families, the lack of parenting or guidance in their lives. I am praying for an encounter with Jesus for these young thugs.
I have been an emotional wreck since this incident. I cry almost every single day. I’ve found myself missing my ex-husband because he was the last person to make me feel safe. I just wish I had that spousal support but God is teaching me to trust Him more. To lean on Him in those moments when I feel alone. To call on the people that love and care about me the most to talk about how I am feeling and let them lift me up in prayer.
I think back on this moment and I am also so grateful to the Lord. He shielded and protected me. He kept me from harm. He protected my heart, my thoughts and my emotions in that exact moment. “MY GOD!” That was all it took to usher His presence into my situation. He was there. No one can tell me different.
The aftershock of it all is what has been devastating and heavy. The reality of it happening to me. The fearless and bold person that I have always been is now scared. I am paranoid and anxious all the time. I am just on edge. I am living every single day right now in fear. Thinking I am going to see this person again. I feel like he is just going to pop out of no where holding a gun to my head again. It’s the scariest and ugliest feeling ever.
I am doing my best to step out and still be bold. I am trying to be as normal as possible and continue my life as if it didn’t happen, but it did. It happened to me. The thoughts and emotions I have about the entire situation are real. They are my reality right now. BUT I AM NOT GIVING UP. I am not going to let myself continue to live in fear. I can’t act like it didn’t happen and I can’t change that it happened either, but I can change my attitude about how I will live my life moving forward. I have cried and pleaded with God to heal me from this incident, for him to shield and guard my heart from the horrible thoughts and feelings I am having surrounding it all.
What He has shown me is that I still have purpose. He saved me for a reason. He allowed for me to go through this incident to be a testimony to others, and He is asking me to TRUST in His plan and His timing.
Next week, I have an appointment with a therapist that specializes in trauma. My sweet boss took the time to find someone for me after he learned about the incident. I am also going to attend a trauma victims support group next Tuesday and I am looking forward to that. This is by far one of the most traumatic situations to ever happen to me. What’s worst is that the day before I received news of one of my cousins being brutally murdered in Juarez, Mexico. That hurt! It’s just been a series of unfortunate events but I am not letting the enemy bring me down. God has me and my family in His hands and He will see us through it all.
For now, I just ask and pray that you all just carry me in your thoughts and prayers, as I navigate my way through this traumatic experience, trusting in God’s plan and provision for my life. Thank you in advance for being there for me and loving me through everything. You have no idea how much it means to me to have my friends and family follow me on this journey. The best is yet to come. I know it is.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua1:9
