Splinters and Stones

World Race Wednesday – that is the moniker we (my squad mates and I) have chosen for Wednesdays as we embark on this fundraising journey for our World Race. As a result, I share with you my blog on this day. Today, as I sat in my office, I had some worship music playing as I worked. Today is a slow day – one of the law partners is in trial this week and the other was attending depositions, so there wasn’t a whole lot going on. By lunch time, I was alone in the office and having wrapped up all my work for the day, I decided to pull out my book gifted to me by a sweet friend, “Follow the Cloud: Hearing God’s Voice One Next Step At A Time” (such a great book). As I am reading through the pages and the worship music is playing in the background, this song comes on, Splinters and Stones by Hillsong United. I had never heard this song, and as I am reading about being obedient to God, I found myself in tears – real tears, just rolling down my face because what I read moved me in such a major way. You see, there is something that I have been struggling with for a very long time, over 2 years to be exact and that is unforgiveness. Normally, I am very quick to forgive, because I know and understand that if we do not forgive others for their trespasses against us, then we cannot expect God to forgive us for our trespasses against Him. I’ve never really had an issue with forgiving and to be honest, I didn’t necessarily think that what I am about to share with you was even an issue in my life. 

In two (2) days, it will be my 2 year divorciversary. Yup! 2 whole years since I became a divorcée. Divorce has been the best worst experience of my life! Even if I had the ability to change my experience, I wouldn’t do it because my divorce brought me to a place of independence, self-realization and growth. Had I still been married, I wouldn’t be where I am now…in fact the World Race, wouldn’t even be possible for me. This experience has catapulted me to a place of great wonder and endless possibilities. God has opened so many doors for me to walk through. It is never God’s will for a marriage to dissolve, but I know that He allowed me to go through this experience so that I could make Him my center and my focus in my life. 

So, as I am in my office reading my book, I read these specific words regarding reconciling relationships:

“As tears filled my eyes, I felt the gentle voice of the Lord again. ANA (replacing my name with the authors) the reason I wanted you to go first and reconcile with him was because I was going to show you more of myself in that moment. I wanted you to take that step so you could see more of me. I want you to follow me so you can be free.”

(insert ugly cry face here) 

Y’all! I couldn’t help but think of all of the unforgiveness that I have been harboring in my heart. I couldn’t help but think of my divorce. I couldn’t help but think about this one person in particular that hurt me so much – my ex-mother in law. Reading through those words specifically “I was going to show you more of myself…I want you to follow me so you can be free.” I just began to sob, because I realized 2 things: 1) I have been harboring unforgiveness in my heart toward this person and 2) I am missing out on God’s blessings because of it. I am not free from that bondage! 

Without going into too much detail – the gist of the story is this…

When my ex-husband and I started to have struggles in our marriage, I confided in my mother in law and thought that I would be able to get some good, sound, Godly advice from her on how to deal with my marital issues. Afterall, I truly loved and cherised her. I thought of her as my own mother. We always had a great relationship and I just knew that I would be able to count on her to help my marriage to her son survive the storm we were in. However, that wasn’t the case. Instead, she hurt me. She mocked me and laughed at me. She said some mean things to me and made me out to be something that I am not. She threw stones at me when I was down and as a result, I tried to defend myself when Obed (my ex-husband) should have. We had a heated exchange and I said some mean and awful things to her as well in my pain and anger. A week later, my ex-husband filed for divorce. 

I realized today, in this reading and with this song that I have some work to do. I also realized, through the lyrics of this song, just how gracious and unrelentless God’s love for me is. He has carried me this far and has been with me throughout this entire time in my brokenness and has not forsaken me.