Honesty, they say is the best policy – so I want to take a moment to be fully transparent with you. It’s been over a month now, since I was assaulted at gunpoint. Right now, I am still struggling a bit, some days are much better than others, I have these winning streaks of really great days, no tears shed, less paranoia and anxiety and more confidence and trust that God is taking care of me…
BUT – this past weekend, I went to a three day womens retreat called Tres Dias. I’ve blogged about it before. It was how I found out about the World Race as one of my friends I met there was preparing for it. Well this weekend was full of revelation, conviction and healing. I went not really knowing what I would receive from God this weekend. I knew I was excited because I knew that I would have alone time with God and shut off all outside worldly distractions. However, I have to say that at first, I felt turned off. Like something was not sitting well with my soul. I was there, in the presence of the Lord, surrounded by Godly women, Spiritual Directors, Pastors and teachers. Women of great wisdom, anointing, and virtues. But my heart hasn’t been in a good place, so it was hard for me to be fully present and fully surrender to what the weekend had in store.
You see, since my assault, I have not stepped one foot in my home church. I’ve been on the fence in my relationship with the Lord. I haven’t been diligent in my prayer life. I have just been in this funk – I am definitely grateful for the Lord sparing me, but it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized that I have not been living righteously because of the damage that this incident has caused me. Without realization, I have let this affect my relationship with God. I’ve been harboring anger, resentment and unforgiveness in my heart. I’ve been masking my feelings about the situation because I just felt like I should just be grateful that I was not harmed and in the midst of it all, I have suppressed my true feelings about it. I’ve been trying to just do the right thing, but I suppose I haven’t really given myself the time to truly process it all.
Therapy and the trauma support group are great. I feel it has helped me tremendously, but even in the middle of all that, I’ve been so focused on just getting better, that I was just filling my days with just trying to feel good about my progress that when I would feel any type of feelings of fear or anxiety rise up, I just tried to distract myself from feeling and going through the emotions that you have to go through in order to get through something. You can’t avoid what you feel. You have to acknowledge the emotions and let them pass through you, not mask them.
I haven’t gone to church because I go to a predominantly black church. It’s been difficult for me to see past someone’s color since the assault. Every black man I see scares me. It’s awful and I hate that this is my sentiment right now, but that is the truth. I am ashamed, embarrassed and even sad about my feelings, but they are honest. I know what I have to do to work through it and tonight, I am going to do just that. I am going to walk into my church and I am no longer letting the enemy have that power over me.
I have already walked through the fire. Jesus has gone before me and He saved me. I know it is perfectly ok for me to not be ok, but I can’t stay stuck in fear and anxiety. I am going to face my fear and let these men and women of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship love on me and pray for me. I can’t keep living my life on the line – one foot out and the other in. I’ve always been an all or nothing type of gal and I know that Jesus needs for me to be obedient and go all in and stop sitting on the sidelines in this season.
My Refuge and My Fortress
91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge—
10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
12 On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.
14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
15 When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.” – Psalm 91:1-16
