Just hopped on a plane to head back to the states and now I’m looking back on the things that I’ve learned and I’m leaving the people and places I’ve called home for the past nine months. The Anahi that prepared for the race is not the same Anahi that is leaving the race to prepare for the states. My life and my heart is no longer the same.
I went from having a relationship with God that was founded on my emotions and convenience to being in long, dry, and desperate seasons where my emotions weren’t sustainable. I had to turn to what I know and now I open my bible to get to know God and His character and I hold on so tightly to truth like it’s my medicine. I went from only choosing and leading in things I was good at so I didn’t feel defeated or uncomfortable. Now I turn to the cross and the grace that is offered when I fail or feel weak because doing for my glory and out of my strength will always fail but the love of the father will always prevail. I went from running away and hiding from the Lord on Monday through Saturday and tried to clean myself up on a Sunday morning so I could step on a stage and “perform” for the One who deserves worship. Now I desire Jesus to be my first look each and every day and want to give Him all the honor and glory. I battled for a really long time between wanting to experience a life with Jesus fully but still wanting to keep a lifestyle and the desires I once pursued because it’s comfortable. Now I know abiding in the Lord rather than striving for the Lord means to fully surrender all that I think is best for the Lord’s best and trust that I will be given the fullness of life He designed for us.
What changed my life wasn’t getting to live in two different countries or the mountains and beaches I could see every single day. It wasn’t the perfect day or the perfect picture with the perfect filter and caption. It wasn’t me relying on myself or my feelings. And it wasn’t the cool website link I got to put in my Instagram bio that says “World Race” or the opportunity to live under the title of a missionary for nine months. It was Jesus, it will always be Jesus and it can only ever be Jesus.
What changed my heart was choosing Jesus when it was hard to love. Choosing the Lord’s best over mine. I learned to trust Jesus when my heart was heavy, when I couldn’t see the fruit of my labor, or when I decided to leave and abandon all of my comforts. What changed my heart was being apart of a community that taught me how to love like Jesus by the way they encouraged, listened, served, and sat with each other in brokenness and joy.
Though I thought I was signing up for Romania, India, and Costa Rica and for expectations of seeing baptisms, people healed, and relational ministries, the Lord knew I was signing up for a journey of refinement, redemption, and dependence. I signed up to be ministered to by Aaron, Abigail, Alex N, Alex P, Alex R, Anna, Annie, Clayton, Emma, Esther, Grace, Gracie, Hannah, Kate, Kenz, Kenzi, Liv, Mary, Madeline, Milly, Rachel, Sophia, Tate, Tull, Ruth, Phil and Kyndal. The Lord knew I needed to learn how to be loved by Him so I could love others. The Lord allowed me to see all that is offered when you live and love like Jesus would. What changed my heart was love. A love that came first from the one who first called us friend. Gap F, thank you for saying yes and loving like Jesus and changing my heart to want to receive and give the Lord’s love more and more everyday.
