For a long time, God wasn't first in my life. He wasn't even second. God was living in a box called faith, and He wasn't allowed out to play with the rest of my life. I came first, and my career and ambitions came second. I made the decisions alone, and for years what I wanted was a career in policy. I ate, breathed, and lived policy. It was actually my love for policy, the environment, and stewardship that God used to bring me back to Him.
And I pursued it. If someone asked what I wanted to do for a career, it took all of one second to answer them. Most of my friends ran in activist circles, my internet homepages were news and policy sites, I had the application dates of my top three schools for my Masters program circled in my calendar. I knew what I wanted.
Then I found out about the World Race, and I knew God needed me to go. But I was only obedient because in my flesh I knew it would look great on my application forms and resume. If I wouldn't have seen a way the race would benefit my ambitions, I'm not sure I would be here in Cambodia right now.
At the start of the race I was learning a lot, and loved the challenges being thrown at me. Then something wonderfully horrible happened. Our team had a talk one night, about letting God out of the faith box, and allowing Him to be the master of our lives. Letting Him make our plans, and holding our own desires with open palms, not closed fists. I was annoyed to admit I had closed fists. I never asked God permission to pursue policy. I assumed that because He used my passion for it to bring me back into His kingdom, that He was okay with my plans. But I never actually asked Him.
For weeks after this revelation, I fought with the idea of asking God permission to go after my dreams. I was afraid He would tell me to hold my plans open palmed, and then snatch them away from me, leaving me hurt and lost. But I knew I wouldn’t have peace about going forward with my future until I fully surrendered my life to God. And that meant letting Him make the plans, and playing the role of obedient servant instead of being my own master.
So I prayed, and told God I wanted Him to rule my life, but I didn't want Him to steal my dreams and leave me with nothing. But He didn't want to steal them. He wanted me to willingly let my plans go, so I could make room for what He had for me.
So I released my grip, and willingly dropped my plans and let go of my dreams. But instead of feeling hurt and lost, I became overwhelmed with new feelings of trust and peace in what the Father was doing in my life. My future had become a blank slate, and I found excitement in seeing what God had for me.
He talked to me about my writing ability, and what that could look like after the race. We discussed how much more important people are then trees and water, and He gave me a new love for social-justice. He showed me that my identity is found in Him, and not what I do or achieve. But maybe most important, He taught me that His plans are always better then mine. He showed me the sweetness that comes with complete surrender, and the blessings that come with obedience.
For months I was in a place where God could give me any future, and I would pursue it with my whole heart. I wanted what He wanted for me, whatever that looked like.
Then, in true character, He did the unexpected. He gave it back.
I was sitting with Him, having quiet time, talking about something I don't remember, when I felt a release. An intense release, like a slingshot being fired. He told me I could have policy back. I felt so confused. Hadn't He taken it away? How could He give it back? Is that even allowed? I was prepared for anything new He had for me. But I wasn't prepared to be given back the old.
But it was never about policy. It was about shoving God in a box called faith and closing my fists on every other part of my life. It was about being my own master and not leaving room for God's plans. It was about prying open that box and giving God the freedom to do what He wanted with my life.
I needed to learn obedience. I needed to learn to trust God more than myself. It took letting go of myself, and my plans to learn that every move I make should go through Him first. It was about surrender and trust, not policy.
And now I have it back. But it's not the same. It doesn't consume me, or dictate my life. I do think I will have a career in policy. But I don't know what it will look like. I have no plans, just open palms. And I trust He's going to lead me somewhere beautiful.
