With my new-found heart in place, I made it to month 4, where I was put on a brand new team with 5 women. I thought I would be flying high and dishing out love left and right. But the month began and I felt nothing. No love, no joy, no peace. I felt like I was having identity issues all over again.
I was confused, because I finally had a real identity, rooted in God. The chains, lies, and expectations put on me for years by others, no longer held a place or any power in my life.
And that's exactly it. I wasn't feeling any joy, peace, or anything good at all, because ONLY the lies from others had been broken off. I hadn't broken off anything I put on myself. I was carrying around expectations, beliefs, and limitations enforced by me. I had been given a new heart, but was still living a life of confinement.
Remember all the beliefs I shared way back in part 1 (vegan, environment, etc). That short list was just the tip of the iceberg. I truly lived a life ruled by legalism. But I created the rules and expectations. I had thought believing in so many things so passionately would give me an identity and a life worth living. But in reality, my limitations confined me to such a small box that I could hardly move, let alone live a full life. And I wondered why I wasn't feeling joy!
So, after experiencing this revelation, I took one giant leap of courage, and decided to drop EVERYTHING.
Everything I liked, disliked, cared about or practised got dropped. And I started fresh. If my heart had changed so drastically, why should everything else remain the same. Now that my identity is found in God, do I still believe the same things, things I had used to build a false identity?
Do I still want to be vegetarian, take the bus instead of driving, go to grad school, have a career in policy, live in Vancouver, take short showers to save water, avoid everything Disney, never buy plastic, not decorate my apartment (wouldn't want to over-consume now would we), or any of the other hundreds of limitations I subjected myself to.
NO! I don't believe in all those things. I don't have passion for all those causes. I don't like, care about, or care to practise all of what I used to preach. Those things robbed me of a lot of joy, and stopped me from discovering my identity earlier. Those things aren't me anymore.
I want to live a life of joy, laughter, love, deep relationships and heart-felt conversations. I want to live a full life with Jesus. And that's what I'm going to do.
This all happened in the last week or so, and I'm still very much in the process of discovering myself. The world has become a shiny toy that I get to discover. Everything is full of life and possibility. I have never felt so much freedom. Ever. And with that freedom comes an abundance of joy, love, peace, and laughter.
I am ridiculously happy. No more limitations, just freedom. But I think I still like chocolate.
