I was living a lie. I wasn't confident, successful, or loving. I told myself I was happy. I put on a good show, acting like I was, doing my best to convince others I was living a great life full of passion and courage. But I wasn't really any of those things.
I was gripped with fear. Fear of being alone, of being forgotten. Fear of not being known. It manifested in misguided passions, causes, and beliefs that I attempted to make define me. I became an outspoken vegan, passionate about the environment, and a health nut over the course of two years. I often spoke about my hate for SUV's, dead animals (aka meat), oil, plastic, consumption, materialism, American news, people who liked any of those things, and a plethora of other stuff. None of my beliefs or passions were bad in themselves, but I was using them along with strict rules and legalism to create my identity.
People knew what I stood for. But they didn't really know ME. They couldn't see that I was afraid, and only spoke up about things so I could be heard and not alone, known and not forgotten. People couldn't see how unhappy I was, because all they saw was the bottom of the giant pedestal I was standing on.
The thing is, I didn't actually know any of this. I didn't know I was afraid. I would have laughed if you told me I lived a life of fear. On the surface my life seemed great. I was living in a nice apartment, working for a large publishing company, had a full social life, a bright future, and a growing relationship with God. I was oblivious to the lie I was living.
This is where the World Race stepped in and shattered my perfect little world.
I started the race thinking I was pretty awesome. I didn't need to be changed. I had it all figured out. But that thinking didn't last long… not even a week.
Day 5: I was in bad shape. I had started having identity issues, because my identity had been built with lies, not God.
Day 30: I insisted my identity issues were worked out. They were NOT.
Day 44: We had a 4 hour team time, where I was picked apart, and told a lie about myself. I was told I was a selfish, self-centered person. I was told that was the root of my issues.
Days 45-46: I believed that lie.
Day 47: I took it to God, he told me it was a lie. I wasn't selfish or self-centered. He told me I was afraid, deeply afraid, and that was my problem. And that what needed to be changed was my whole heart, because it was rooted in fear, not love.
Over the next few weeks, Team Hebron literally loved the fear out of me. They spoke truth over me, broke the chains and lies, and taught me fear has no place in a life with Jesus. There's just no room for it. The women on my team taught me I am not only worthy of being loved, but I am also capable of loving others well.
Who I was coming on the race is not who I was at the end of month 3. I had become who God intended me to be, with a heart rooted in love.
