You know that Christmas present sitting under the tree that everyone hopes is for them. The big one, with bright coloured paper, perfect corners, and a big silky bow on top.
Well, that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about the present hidden in the back, stuffed in a re-used bag with old crinkly tissue and sparkles falling off everywhere. A total mess.
Right now, I am that present.
Each month of my race so far has held a big idea. A revelation that started and ended in the same month. I was able to struggle through something tough, and come out at the end with a nicely wrapped present to show for it.
Not this month.
Month 4 has not ended with crisp corners and a silky bow. Instead of struggling through something and coming to a grand conclusion, it is spilling over. My revelation, my struggle, and my emotion from the events of this month, are not over. They followed me to debrief, and they are coming on the bus to Moldova.
And that is okay. I've realized the race isn't about perfect endings and nice neat revelation. The race is messy, and issues can take longer then four weeks to work through. I don't have to show up at the end of each month with a power point presentation on what I learned and how great life is. Because sometimes a month will end, and my problems won't be solved, my team will still be mad, my prayers not yet answered, my revelation not yet realized, and my process not yet complete. And that is all okay.
I would much rather have a beautiful ending after a 3 month struggle, then a mediocre conclusion after 4 weeks.
Sometimes the perfectly folded wrapping paper is deceiving, and the gift inside is soap or fruit cake. And sometimes the old bag and crinkly tissue is hiding something beautiful… like a new pair of boots or a blender (I have a thing for smoothies).
Right now, I am not a perfectly wrapped present. I am the re-used gift bag, the crinkly tissue paper, the wrapping paper with badly folded corners and a squished bow. And my only complete revelation is that it's okay. I don't have to be perfect. I'm a bit of a mess. A perfectly beautiful mess.
