Please, just don’t.
Don’t tell me I’m irrational. Don’t belittle me. Don’t tell me that my feelings are invalid. Don’t tell me I am not heard. Don’t make me look like a fool. Don’t correct me outside of reason. Don’t tell me I’m something that I’m not. Don’t place false labels on me. Don’t put words in my mouth. Don’t tell me I can’t be upset. Don’t tell me I can’t have a bad day or a hard week. Don’t make me strive for acceptance. Don’t make me fight to be understood. Don’t overshadow what I’ve worked for. Don’t make me feel less than. Don’t give me a role I don’t need to carry. Don’t punish me for misunderstandings. Don’t dismiss my pure intentions. Don’t shut me down. Don’t say I’m nothing.
Because I’m not.
I may be a lot of things, but I am not these things. I may be strong-willed, but I am not careless. I may be outspoken, but I am not naïve. I may be “emotional”, but I am not illogical. I may speak often, but I do not speak without intention. I may enjoy a good laugh, but I do not forgo integrity for others. I may make mistakes (often), but I am still human and do my best. I may hold onto His identities tightly, but I’m still learning to let go of the false ones. I may be confident in who I am, but too often I still identify as things people tell me as “feedback”. I may be bold in my speech, but my vulnerability is not to be used as a weapon. I may be spirited, but I am not invincible. I may be joyful, but I will have hard times sometimes… and that’s okay. I may be outgoing, but I will not strive for attention. I may be passionate, but I will not fight to be understood if others do not fight to also understand. I may be determined, but I will not compete for the spotlight. I may be a servant for the Lord, but I will not act as less than His daughter also. I may be a helper, but I will not carry weight that’s not mine. I may seek peace, but I will not stay silent with injustice. I may not be perfect, but I still try to have a pure heart. I may get overly excited about things, but my thoughts are not irrelevant. I may not have everything, but I am not nothing.
Instead, He calls me priceless.
Above is a poem I wrote last night. This last week was tough. It is more often for my students to not listen than to follow directions, usually screaming and running on tables. I am still learning my role in my team now that we have started our “Empowerment Phase” (which basically just means that team time is no longer mandatory), and that transition has become more difficult as time has gone on. Community living is difficult. Respecting rules and calls that I don’t agree with is humbling. Missions is not always the glorious picture posted on Instagram. Its hard work. Its long nights. Its difficult conversations. And after 8 months, it takes a toll. The cost of missions is more than financial. Its emotional. Its spiritual. Its physical. It means letting go of friendships that do more harm than good. It means crying out to God when you’re at the end of your rope with your teammates. It means total dependency on Him.
Back at Training Camp and Launch, they asked us a simple question: did you weigh the cost? I knew when they asked us that that I had not (simply because I didn’t know what the costs were), but I wouldn’t change my decision. This week, I asked myself that question again. Amy, did you weigh the cost? Did you weigh the cost of being a missionary and giving up comfort for a year? Did you weigh the cost of being a disciple? Again, my answer would be no. I did not weigh the cost. But again, I wouldn’t change my decision. Because you see, even though its difficult, its not impossible. And even though I may have hardships, they are not permanent. Not only did I not weigh the cost of going on World Race, but I didn’t even weigh the cost of being His disciple. Because my sacrifice for the Kingdom isn’t 9 months long. Its a lifetime. Its an eternity.
“Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” Matt 10:38
Being a disciple means giving up everything. It means picking up your cross and laying down everything else at His. So I ask myself a new question, Amy, was the cost worth it? And to this, I answer yes. Because despite everything, and BECAUSE of everything, Jesus is worth it. My mom reminded me the very thing I told her a few weeks ago: Money isn’t going with us to Heaven. Count your blessings and don’t sit on the hardships. Jesus didn’t promise us ease. He promised us, “You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.” Matt 10:22 But He also promised us, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matt 28:29 Jesus is worth it. And He’s with us.
So what’s your cost? What is your cost in following Jesus? Your pride? Your reputation? Your future? Your money? The list goes on and on and it grows. But once you know the cost, ask yourself, is Jesus worth it? Because I promise He is.
-A
