Here are some insiders about the World Race: everyone is obsessed with the enneagram (a personality typing method), most people on the Race are type twos (who love serving), and there are a lot of ways to serve on the Race.
I’m an enneagram two, which is a personality typology that describes a person as “the helper.” At their bests (AKA at my best), twos are selfless, sincere, empathetic, and warm. And in general, I’d like to think those things are true of me, but there are definitely times they are not.
Now I’m not a huge advocate of personality typing (we can chat about that sometime if you’d like), but knowing that I’m “the helper” has given me some insight on how (and why) I tend toward certain behaviors.
I like to aim for behaviors that benefit people, and I like to serve others, and I think that has influenced my relationship with the Lord negatively in some ways for much of my walk with Him.
I realized over the past few months that I’d been living so much of my faith out for other people. I do think my motives, for the most part, have been genuine and in pursuit of the Lord. However, I recall that when I was younger, I really pursued the Lord because I thought it would make other people happy- that if I had enough faith, it could fix the problems in my family or the pain in the hearts of people I loved. As I grew up, I got involved in youth group to have positive influence on people around me rather than to seek intimacy with the Lord. And when I was in a dating relationship, I ran hard after Jesus because I thought I could glorify the Lord with our relationship even when things weren’t so good.
But I really struggled with dedicating my heart and spirit to pursuing Jesus for me and for Him. I struggled with just sitting with a Him- with celebrating that His name is Immanuel (“God with us”). Not fix something wrong with me, not to influence or fix other people- just to be with Him.
The Lord revealed that to me in South Africa, and has been softening my heart to the idea of using this season to be selfish in my relationship with Him since then. I really sought guidance about it starting in Zambia (shout out to my incredible leadership team), and I’m glad to say I’m growing in selfishness in this aspect.
Crazy, right? It sounds ridiculous to me at times, but the Lord is teaching me in this season that I cannot possibly offer genuine love, empathy, or sincere service unless I have first focused solely on seeking the Lord to fill ME up and show me that I’m loved, valued, and worthy, too.
