I was 12 the first time I found myself frustrated with Jesus.
I was at church camp, thinking about how Jesus wants us to give our entire life to Him and to be chosen and glorified through everything. It’s not about us, it’s about Him. I distinctly remember thinking, “I get that You died, but why is that such a big deal? So many people get tortured and killed.” I definitely didn’t get the weight of separation from God, the consequences of our sin, living a sinless life, and tearing the veil for our sake.
I grew increasingly frustrated as I thought about how I had so many friends who were so kind, cared about others, and did not care to know Jesus. But I also had friends who said they were Christians and certainly not acting with as much kindness as my non-Christian friends. Yet they were the ones that get to go to Heaven.
And for the past nine years, I’ve been avoiding talking to Jesus about my frustrations. I’ve desired to love Him and live in harmony with Him to the point that I focused on His attributes that I understood, and suppressed my frustration with Him because I didn’t want to not be at peace with Him. I definitely wrestled with my view of the character of God and His goodness through high school and college, but I always avoided the conversation with Jesus in which I would tell Him that I really didn’t get Him, and He offended me.
Since entering a relationship with the Lord, I always heard that Jesus is gentle, kind, and loving. He was a radical game-changer, loving people who were outcasts, serving the least of these, and leaving the 99 for the one. There’s a A.W. Tozer quote that talks about how the Holy Spirit can be known in the same way Jesus is, and because of that we can know Him to be kind, genial, good, compassionate, and loving.
And then I’d read the Gospels, and get really, really confused.
Jesus flipped tables, responded in all but gentle ways to many of His disciples, compared a Samaritan woman to a dog, and cursed a fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season.
???
How is this the Jesus who is supposed to comfort me and meet me where I’m at, who is supposed to look at me with compassion and love no matter how many times I fall short, who is depicted as a Lamb?
But every time I faced these questions, I suppressed them. I went on, saying “even so, You are still good,” and avoided thinking about it.
But a few days into the Race, the Lord decided it was time for me to stop avoiding it and to confront it. While His sacrifice created peace and unity, my desire to live in harmony with Him and avoid wrestling this one out was causing disunity in my heart with Him. So, I started studying and studying books of the Bible that are super hard for me to swallow and that I typically avoid, namely Mark and the Timothy’s. Jesus and Paul are just so abrasive to me in those books, and it’s sometimes hard for me to understand why we’re called to gentle loving kindness when those things aren’t consistently displayed biblically.
Last week was a rough one for me, encountering all of this and being brokenhearted over the fact that I was finding it SO hard to love my Savior. Yes, Jesus is God and could interact with us however He pleased, remain sinless, and still ask us to follow anything He asked of us. Yes, a lot of the things I was offended by could be misunderstandings on my part. And yes, even if not, my call is to love and worship Him wholeheartedly. So, I was dwelling on truths that I could cling to, like His words saying, “Blessed is the one who is not offended by me,” and the restored blind man asking to know who He was so that he could worship Him.
But finally, I got to the exhausted point where I said (for the hundredth time, but the first time out of a desire to love Him wholeheartedly), “Okay, Jesus, I don’t get you, but I’ll choose to love you and worship you still.” And MAN, I’ve never felt more understood by Jesus. He was 100% man, and humans lead to frustration and that’s okay. He relates to me in His humanness not because of His faults (’cause He doesn’t have any), but because of mine. It was the same conclusion I’d come to before, but this time, I let Jesus lead me there rather than coming to that conclusion out of fear of addressing it with Him.
I know this will be a growing process, and I’m excited that I’m still a young believer and have so much learning to do in how I view God. Right now, that process looks like learning to be offended by the things Jesus was offended by, rather than being offended by Him in my humanness. I’m also thankful that Jesus is okay with me asking questions when I’m seeking to get to know His heart.
I’m sorry if this offended anyone, but I want to be entirely candid with all of you as I walk through the Race. Just because I’m here doesn’t mean I’m a spiritual powerhouse or that I don’t struggle with my faith, and I’m thankful I can walk through this season with all of you.
So, so much love,
Amy
