Current location: Sitting on a train, traveling from Sofia to Vidin, Bulgaria.
What I’m thinking about: My life… how I went from having a stable job and income in Atlanta to instability and a Bulgarian train. As I’m being swept through the vast, empty fields of Bulgaria, I am beginning to wonder how life somehow brought me here, and for some crazy reason—in the midst of all the intense travel days, countless tears shed, heart-filled moments, heart-broken moments and goodbyes, and everything in-between—how I feel more peace and freedom now than I ever have before.
Why: I’m not sure, but I have four more hours on this train so I’m going to try and figure it out.
Let’s start where it all began: Heartbreak. I thought I was in love. At age twenty-six, I was living the dream, working at a great job and surrounded by talented and loving people. I had a handsome boyfriend and I thought marriage was on the horizon. I had recently purchased a condo in the heart of Buckhead and seemed to have everything that a young, vibrant, and goal-oriented woman could want. Did I feel peace and freedom? Well, no. But I felt pretty dang good.
Then, heartbreak hit, and my relationship ended. I no longer had the handsome boyfriend or future wedding plans to think about every night before I fell asleep, but hey, I still had the great condo and job. Walking through that heartbreak changed me, though. I started thinking bigger, bigger than just me and my life and my condo. I started thinking big like the whole world big. I started to wonder if maybe I was created for something more. I began to ask myself, “Is there some purpose behind this broken heart?”
I decided to pray. I always knew God; I had been learning about Him in church since I was two years old. I knew He was real. I knew in difficult times I could pray, and when you feel like you have nowhere to turn, prayer seems like a pretty good option. So, I prayed. I prayed He would come. I prayed He would deliver me from my pain. I prayed He would use me. I told the Lord my life was now His, and He could do with it whatever He pleased.
In a time of desperation, I called out to Him, and His reply wasn’t at all what I expected. Actually, it was pretty scary. He said go. Go to the nations.
Say what!?
I loved my job. I loved Atlanta. I loved the USA. Go to the nations? Well, that’s scary, God, but when God plants something in your heart, He doesn’t soon give up on it.
So, I went. And it wasn’t easy. I had to say goodbye to my family, friends, job, comforts, stability and even a new relationship that was becoming very special. I had to give it all up, not knowing the “why” but just knowing that my God is good and worthy of my trust. Walking in obedience isn’t easy, but sitting on this train somewhere in-between Sofia and Vidin, Bulgaria, I now know it’s so worth it.
In my very first blog post, a few months before my journey began, I wrote the following statement:
“I dream to go to the world and live the way people outside the United States live. I dream of holding orphans and showing them the love of Jesus Christ that has gotten me through unbearable times in my life. I dream of loving the unlovable and hugging the untouchable, I dream of weeping with those in pain and laughing with those experiencing joy.” 8.4.2017
Wow, little did I know my dreams would be exceeded, far beyond what I could ever imagine. I’ve lived in my tent, on church floors, and in homes of people I barely even knew. I’ve held and loved on dozens of dirty children that have been cast aside by their families and communities. I’ve prayed for and held hands with a woman lying in a urine saturated hospital bed who had been stabbed multiple times with a screwdriver. I’ve laughed, cried, and danced with young girls who have been victims to multiple counts of sexual abuse. I’ve had nights of no sleep because of anxiety, fear, or just being extremely homesick. In eight months, I’ve experienced the realness of the world, and I’ve experienced the pure joy of living this “radical, unbridled life.” The lessons I’ve learned are abundant, and for every ounce of love I’ve given out all around the world, I’ve received a double portion for myself. I wanted to leave the US and love the world, but really, the world has loved me.
I don’t have any resolution to deliver in this blog. I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know what will happen in three and a half months when I return to America. I don’t have a job, I can’t afford my condo, and at age twenty-eight, I don’t have a relationship to fall back into. Unexpectedly though, I do have peace. I have no reason to and don’t know why, but somehow, I have a peace. It’s the kind of peace that seeps deep down into your bones and makes you feel like going to the nations may be a small request compared to all God has for you. I have a freedom resounding in my heart. Freedom that tells me this just might be the start, and my life could look more like the epic adventure that God has for me instead of the American dream I had for me.
Candid and vulnerable thoughts from a train half-way around the world…
All my love <3
“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20
