Today, I have a second to catch my breath… and I’m reflecting.
I’m sitting at a beautiful café in Dalat, Vietnam. I’m not in Africa anymore.
I’m not battling extreme heat, lack of nutrition or a constant state of dirty. I’m not being called “mzungu” when I walk down the street. I’m no longer being forced to push through physical discomforts that feel so foreign compared to my American lifestyle.
I’m experiencing comforts that feel reminiscent of the United States and I must tell you, it feels so nice. I’m really enjoying my hot shower every morning. I’m thankful for the fruit and veggie stands that line the streets here and I appreciate how I easily blend in with the numerous tourists who flock to this country. The physical discomforts are gone, but emotionally where am I at?
If I’m being honest with you – I’m tired. This season of squad leading has been so beautiful and so hard. I have walked through tremendous growth, fostered through hardships and depth in my relationship with The Lord. I have seen so much. I have lived in a refugee camp and walked with strangers turned family who live the reality of a refugee life every day. I have preached numerous sermons to the smallest audiences as well as surprisingly huge crowds. I have told my testimony and the deepest parts of my soul to so many. I have cried, a lot. I have laughed even more. I’ve walked through hurts and the deep wounds of life with my squad, African friends and fellow leaders. I have been proud of myself at certain times and disappointed at others. I have been a great leader and I have made mistakes. I have lifted people up but unfortunately, I have also hurt people. In everything though, I have loved fully, and I have given everything I have. It hasn’t always looked perfect or felt good, but I’ve made it all the way through four months of leading my flock of racers through four African countries, and a multitude of scenarios, that I have never experienced before.
Why was this season so hard? I thought following Christ was supposed to be easy… right? I think many of us, including myself at times, are operating under the impression that following Jesus Christ brings us a life of ease without trial. Saying yes to Jesus and no to the world means that we won’t experience pain, death or hardship. It means that when we pray with a sincere heart, we will certainly get the job, the husband, the family, the financial provision, the peace, the removal of anxiety and the life we’ve always wanted. Well, I’m here to tell you that saying yes to Jesus doesn’t always mean that.
I said yes to Jesus and gave my full life to Him three years ago. Yes, I had always “known” who Christ was. I had gone to church my entire life but head knowledge about Jesus Christ does not mean you know Him. Going to church does not mean you know Him. I didn’t really meet Him and give my complete life to Christ until I went through tremendous heartbreak at age twenty-six. When the future I had planned for myself was abruptly taken, and I felt like I had nothing left, I turned to Him and gave Jesus everything I had left. Since then, my life has been anything but conventional, stable and full of ease coupled with comfort.
Let’s recap. Here’s what it has looked like for me since that day three years ago when I died to myself and picked up my cross to follow Him:
- Quit a job that I loved and became unemployed
- Was called to a year abroad
- Lived one month in each of the following countries: Chile, Argentina, Bolivia, Cambodia, Thailand, Serbia, Romania, Bulgaria, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Uganda
- Developed countless relationships while abroad and witnessed parts of this world that I did not know existed
- Experienced true poverty
- Learned who Jesus Christ really is and what an authentic friendship with Him looks like
- Was asked to lead my squad of forty-eight into the remaining seven countries, facing the joys and pains of leadership
- Came back to American in August 2018 – forever changed
- Went back and worked for the company I loved with friends I cherish
- Moved in with my best friend and began developing a life of stability
- Began a relationship that quickly became very special
- Was called abroad again, much to my shock and uncertainty
- Said yes to Christ and yes to leading a squad of thirty-eight young adults through South Africa, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Malawi and Vietnam
- Said a painful goodbye to family and friends, as well as my relationship, for the second time in the last three years
That doesn’t exactly sound like a fairy tale but that is my journey – the adventure, the heartbreak and everything in between.
Now here I am – sitting at a beautiful café in Dalat, Vietnam. Sixteen countries and what has felt like sixteen years of life lived later, here I am.
I have said goodbye to so many people and missed many of life’s cherished events to say hello to the journey Christ has for me, and now three years later – I am tired. I am tired but I am full. I am full of a confidence and understanding that is now the foundation of my life. I am equipped with cultural knowledge and unforgettable experiences that will forever shape the person I am and the decisions I make. I am exhausted, but I am grounded. I have a firm foundation that can never be shaken or taken from me. I have confidence in knowing that if my life is beautifully easy or tremendously difficult, I will be okay. If my deepest desires come to fruition or if they don’t, I will be okay. If I experience heartbreak or if I experience blessing, I will be okay.
I cannot be shaken because I am not scared. Life does not have the ability to throw anything at me that I can’t handle, because I walk in confidence and security. I know that I will always be taken care of and I will never be alone. So, no matter what the next three years of my life will look like – I know I will have joy, peace and a resounding confidence in my path and purpose.
That is what following Jesus Christ is like.
It does not mean daily ease or never experiencing pain, but it does mean you will always be okay, you will never be alone, and you will always, always be loved.
I will choose Him and what He has for me a million times over. I don’t know what my life will look like as I return to American in three weeks, but I do know I will have peace and joy, I will not be alone, and I will always be okay.
Vietnam is a breath of fresh air! The country and people are so amazing and I’m soaking up every second of my last few weeks abroad. I fly back to America on January 10th and will take my first step back onto American soil on January 11th at 6am. I’m looking so forward to being reunited with my friends and family – I can barely stand it.
Sending SO much love from Dalat, Vietnam – see you soon America! <3
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:8
