I met a guy named Kai.
I woke up a few days ago, angry.
Angry with the squad, angry with my leadership team, angry with myself, angry with the team I was visiting.
Just angry.
And what’s worse– none of it was righteous. Absolutely none of it.
We spent the morning as usual, praying in the garden. It took everything in me to just sit still! Anger does that to us sometimes– it fills us to exploding. I couldn’t imagine taking my anger out towards the Lord in prayer– something about it felt unrighteous…
So, after a handful of minutes that felt like hours, I stood up and walked out.
I walked out.
I guess we all do this every once in a while, right? I would have felt a little better,
but I didn’t leave Jesus in the garden. His Spirit and, therefore his conviction, stay closer than my skin.
He whispered to my soul, “WALK.”
I stopped by the door for my shoes and, again, he whispered to me: “NO.”
So I left the shoes. Nobody has time to bicker with the conviction of the Spirit about shoes when anger is raging behind tired eyes.
I walked all day.
All day.
It’s 102 degrees in Thailand, friends. Asphalt is hot.
I wandered through neighborhoods and big city streets and industrial parks and construction sites. I took so many lefts and rights that I didn’t recognize anything anymore.
And I kept walking.
Along the way, I met Kai.
I had seen him at the hostel before. He is a local, but he comes to play pool every evening around the same time. That day, I had seen him 3 times as I walked past the vegetarian restaurant, 4 times in front of the hostel, and again that evening when he came to play pool.
It was 7 or 8 pm, and I was sitting at a table by the bar.
Still angry.
The soles of my feet were burnt and peeling. The pain of walking was the only reason I hadn’t walked all the way up to my room and shut myself out for the rest of the night.
(Carrying anger is really exhausting…)
When Kai walked in, he bee-lined for my table. Each time I had seen him throughout the day he had pointed at my bare feet and shouted excitedly in Thai. I would just smile and pantomime, “I am praying to Jesus.”
This time, he brought a friend to translate. He asked excitedly, “How long have you gone without wearing shoes?”
I smiled and said, “ALL DAY,” with a tinge of bitterness towards the One who had convicted me to do so. I reached down and peeled a piece of black skin from my heel.
He said, “I haven’t worn shoes in TWO YEARS.”
My eyes shot up to his face and the Spirit in me started to squirm. “Why?” I asked, incredulously.
“Because god lives in me. 4 of them.”
My heart began to ache.
He took me over to the computer behind the desk of the hostel and googled something in Thai. His friend translated the page to English and I began to read.
This man worships 5 Chinese kings, and he believes that 4 of them live in his body alongside of his soul. He eats no meat or dairy, wears no shoes, wears all white clothing always, and celebrates his gods each year at the Vegetarian Festival where hundreds of thousands of people go into trances and hang swords from their faces– piercing them through their cheeks.
My heart aches deeper still.
I looked at him with tears in my eyes.
I also have God living in me– but he is not a Chinese king. He is THE KING of heaven and earth.
I also give up food for long periods of time to be persistent in prayer, but he does not require it of me. He graciously speaks to my soul and tells me to eat.
I also live under immeasurable influence of the Spirit in me, but I do not need a trance. I am enchanted by a love so deep words can not describe.
I also worship God every day in the way I choose to live my life and walk in the conviction of his Spirit, but he NEVER asks me to pierce my body– his was pierced for me.
Suddenly, the pain in my feet didn’t matter. The things that had me so frustrated earlier that morning didn’t matter. The entitlement I felt to rest didn’t matter.
The anger was gone.
I was replaced by a wide, long, high, and deep love for Kai’s sweet, enslaved soul.
This enslaved soul has been offered freedom, but he refuses to walk in it. That grieves the Spirit in me.
I’m sitting now in the same lobby of the same hostel, at the same table by the same bar. I am full of anger, but this time it is righteous against sin. I am full of grief, but it leads to repentance. I am full of hope, but I am emptied of expectation. I am full of the power of God’s Spirit, but I am humbled and submitted to his authority.
And my heart is hurting.
