There’s a lot to be said about Training Camp… 11 days without technology, plumbing, or privacy. From the shockingly cold bucket shower to the sweltering Georgia heat, I’m fairly certain my Ohio Valley temperament was tested to all of it’s extremes!
Above (and weaved into) the practicality of it all, I saw one overarching theme:
ARDENCY; an intense devotion, passion, fervor
I saw it in the AIM staff, I saw it in my squadmates, and I saw it in myself. I have never worshiped with such intense devotion, prayed with such passion, sang with such fervor, or loved with such ARDENCY. I’m left with this overwhelming desire to share all that I’ve learned, and a hopeless incapability to do so.
So, here’s my best shot at telling a story that’s not finished just yet:
The staff at AIM do an amazing job taking care of the souls entrusted to them- We hit the ground running at TC, jumping straight into deep soul care and discussing fears and inhibitions we carried in our hearts that may become struggles or cause problems later on the Race. I arrived in Gainesville fairly confident in myself, but I quickly realized that I had more fear than I originally acknowledged: much more than I could hide or handle on my own! I don’t know about you, but I have never really voiced my fears to the Lord. I had asked God for more wisdom, confidence, peace, etc. but I had never sat down with Jesus and said, “Hey- I’m afraid of _______. Please overcome this fear in me by your power.” The whole concept of admitting fear felt suuuper unfamiliar! I prayed vaguely and timidly at first, and I asked God to show me areas of my heart that I needed to confess and lay before him.
At first, I sat with Jesus and confessed to him my fear of trusting people. And I left it at that-
“Lord, I’m afraid to trust.”
The end.
But the Lord prompted my heart and said, “Well, duh. Everyone is afraid to trust at first! There’s more. Keep digging and searching your heart.” So I really had to open my heart and analyze myself. I prayed, again, and said, “Lord! I’m scared to find out more!” and he said, “Do it anyway,” So, I did. And guess what?
There was more.
So many times, I have had relationships and friendships with people who I felt could really understand me and communicate well with me, and then something happens to prove otherwise; they missed my heart completely. So I told God, “I’m afraid to be known that way and to be misunderstood– or to assume that I know others that way and then be made into a fool when they turn out to be someone different than I thought I knew.” Then, the Spirit prompted my heart, again, and said, “Okay! That’s something! We can work on this together and move forward. But keep going.” And at this point I’m like, “Jesus! I don’t want to keep going! I don’t want to know anything else!!!” But God prompted my heart and said, “There’s more you need to confess to me. I can handle more.”
So, I swallowed my pride and kept digging.
Throughout the week I was overwhelmed by how clearly I could see Christ in my squadmates– each of them walked around carrying the Spirit of God in their skin and it all seemed so natural and comfortable to them. As I looked inward, I realized that all of the characteristics of himself that God had given me seemed to be buried somewhere deep in my heart. I felt like I was coming out of a season of silence, and I struggled to discern what God wanted from me– to revive the characteristics he had once given me, or to learn from the silence and thrive in a new life. My heart ached for revival, and I confessed to the Lord that my biggest fear is to be made voiceless, again. I begged him, “Please, please do not ask me to be silent– my heart is so full and I want to be heard!”
I began to pray more ardently now:
“Lord, please place me on a team with a leader who will hear me! Place me with a leader who is kind, considerate, and genuine. Place me with a leader who can come alongside me and walk through the darkest parts of life and ministry with me.”
The next day we were finalizing team building and the AIM staff asked me to come to a meeting. When I walked into the room the director said, “I guess you all know why you are here.” I leaned over to a friend and whispered, “No, I don’t know!” She just smiled at me as the director said, “We want to invite you to become team leaders.”
At that, my heart hit the floor. Hot tears welled up in my eyes and I immediately began praying in my spirit! “JESUS! THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I CONFESSED MY FEARS TO YOU!!!” I was so overwhelmed, so surprised, and so humbled. Everyone else was standing to accept the invitation and I just sat in the corner crying to the Lord!
I repeated my prayer, “Jesus, Lord!!!! YOU MUST HAVE HEARD ME INCORRECTLY! I did not ask to be the team leader, I just wanted to be with a leader who would hear me and walk alongside me through the darkest pats of life and ministry!” I sat, praying ardently to the Lord, and the AIM staff came over to get my answer.
One person in particular said, “Let me tell you what I see in you that prompted me to choose you:
You make people heard. You are an anchor- you walk alongside people through the hardest parts of life and ministry and you lead them to Jesus’ feet. You are a safe place.”
(SOUND FAMILIAR?!)
I prayed so ardently in my spirit, “LORD! the characteristics I asked of you are now being spoken into me– how can this be? I’m scared! Even worse than being voiceless is to have a voice! I don’t want to be seen, I don’t want to be heard, and I don’t want to be known!”
And God said to my heart, “Amy, you are going to be seen, you are going to be heard, and you are going to be known. But it’s not about you. You are going to make ME seen, you are going to make ME heard, and you are going to make ME known, and I’m going to give you the strength to do it.”
And isn’t that the truth for all of us? Isn’t God’s desire for his people to make him seen, make him heard, and make him known? I told the Lord, “I don’t know if my heart is up for that!” Really, I laid my heart before the Lord and said, “You know what, God? If that’s really what you want then you’re going to have to do it yourself- it has to be your work and not mine.” And he told me, “Don’t worry. I’m doing a work in you as we speak, and I will carry you through. Just be willing.”
And I am! I am so in love with my savior, and he is so in love with me! And I am so excited to be doing the work he prepared in advance for me– through his own power!
So, if you’re thinking about it PLEASE PRAY because I need as much Jesus as I can get to be a team leader for the 6 women God has given me to do life with for the next few months!!! And, if you’re willing, LISTEN! Because I think Jesus is whispering the same thing to your heart, too: “Make me seen, make me heard, make me known.”
I hope you are encouraged! Please know that I am praying specifically for you, today, the Jesus would prompt you to live in obedience and, so, to live in the overwhelming love, joy, and peace of God!
MEET MY TEAM: Team Ardency
Anna, Amy, Sarah, Elizabeth, Amber, Hannah, and Kate 🙂
Squad Wars!
Our night out on the town! Team Ardency takes Gainesville!
Packing up and heading home (Can you tell we haven’t slept?!)
