Middle Child Syndrome

I am a middle child. That has always bugged me growing up. I used to tell my mom, “You love Emily because she’s your first born baby, and you love Luke cause he’s your last special baby, and I’m just another kid in the middle.” Everyone thought I was joking, which I kind of was, but it actually bothered my young heart. I felt less important than my two siblings. Those feelings of inadequacy plagued me for years. In my awkward middle school years, those feelings only got worse as I didn’t have many friends in school. Instead of leaning on Christ to give me His sweet affirmation and joy, I was seeking it from my peers to no avail. I was left feeling less important and lonely. I changed schools in high school, and I so desperately wanted that friendship and affirmation I had been missing. My self-confidence was so pathetically low. I was willing to sacrifice my reputation and some of my standards in order to feel accepted. Ditching my morals and my relationship with the Lord only made my self-worth worse.

But of course, God continued to faithfully pursue me through everything. Through my exhaustion, my shame, my guilt, and my pain, He was there, fighting for me. Because of the Lord, my story is a story of Redemption.

In September, He brought me on the World Race. I am not the same person I was before I started the race. God has used every country to transform me into the person He wants me to become, and teach me so many things about Him.

In Guatemala, He completely rocked my world. I learned how to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, and how to truly walk with the Lord. My expectations of the rest of the race were shattered.

In Thailand, He broke me. He broke my pride, my stubbornness, and my attitude. II learned so much about community, humility, and absolute trust for Christ. Thailand was so hard for me, but it was such a precious time of growth that I would never change.

And now, I’m in Zambia, and God is calling me to finally step into the new identity He has for me. I am no longer my selfish, prideful self. Yes, I still have SO much growth to push through, but God is walking through it with me every step of the way.

I am not a weak person.

I am strong.

 

I am not lazy and selfish.

I am a servant of the Lord.

 

I am not a hypocrite.

I am faithful to Christ.

 

I am not annoying, loud, and obnoxious.

I am gentle, kind, and a good listener.

 

I am not living a “comfortable Christian” life.

I walk in boldness and discomfort in order to serve God.

 

I no longer search for affirmation in others.

I now know God’s love for me is so much more powerful than the opinion of man.

 

I am not a failure.

I am victorious.

 

I do not let Satan’s lies fill me with anxiety and depression.

I walk in the freedom of the peace and joy God’s given me.

 

My mind is not clouded by earthly distractions.

I have learned to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit.

 

I am not inadequate.

I am His.

 

I am forever thankful for this experience, and although, my heart is broken that it’s almost over, I feel ready. God has prepared me to come home and continue to walk with Him as life moves forward.God is so good, so gracious, and so faithful. His love is permanent and unconditional and abundant and free.