Its amazing how one day you know this is where God called you, the next you're wondering, is this what I am supposed to be doing, how can I be good enough? You find yourself asking, "You know my weaknesses, you know my faults, why me God, why did you call me?"
That doubt, among others, haunted me yesterday as I was cleaning my house in preparation to put it on the market. See, one of my greatest fears is that my sinful desires will inhibit me from being able to reach people on the race. I know my sins and so does God, yet He still loves me; He has cast my sins as far as the east is to the west. Even though I know this, the doubt is still present… "What if I stumble, what if I fall. What if I lose my step and make fools of us all?" But as Paul said countless times throughout the New Testament, that despite His sins and His faults, God's glory shone through Him thanks to Christ's love. And that same God has washed me white as snow, I know that God's mercy and grace are enough.
"It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy." ~Romans 9:16
My second fear is what I will miss while I am gone. I began thinking about the sacrifices I will have to make to do this, to spend a year away from family, friends, all that I know. I will miss opportunities to grow in my relationships, to build new relationships, I may miss weddings, and babies (although I have to say I won't miss car payments or my mortgage… assuming they sell, God willing!). These doubts and others continue to surface, doubts I'm not sure I can overcome.
Recently God has blessed me with a new friendship, and we know that He definitely had a purpose in this. We have been able to help each other as we both embark on new chapters in our lives. While talking on the phone with this friend yesterday, he helped me remember why I was going on the Race, that although there would be things I might miss, I was about to enter into the greatest year of my life. A year where God would work in me and through me so that I could share His name across the world. Even though his words were encouraging, I hung up the phone still uncertain if this was right.
But then tonight I will go to sleep with the solid conformation that what my friend was telling me is exactly right. I am where I am supposed to be. As I spent hours in worship tonight with The Rhett Walker Band and Casting Crowns (thanks WJIE, The Kentucky State Fair, and Courtney), I was reminded just how much God loves me and that He CAN use my weaknesses to bring Him Glory. I intend to do just that! I will sing until the whole world hears 🙂
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
I pray God can use all my weaknesses to bring Him glory. I am good enough, I am His. If I abide in Him and He in me, then I will bear much fruit.
To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.
