I feel like I have been paralzyed from doing much since arriving here in Cape Town, which was so frustrating at first because I am so much more comfortable when I am busy and active and feel needed and that I am accomplishing things. The Lord has paralyzed me from doing so that I can’t run away from what He wants to do in my spirit. As I keep busy, it’s easier to keep my own agenda and not surrender to His. He is paralyzing me from being busy because I can not do in myself what He needs to do in me- a complete emptying of myself and a filling with His spirit.
Here are some questions and truths I have been wrestling with, I’m not even going to try to put them in a neat and orderly fashion because I don’t have things “figured out” & I’m ok with that! 🙂
He is bringing more clarity as I try not to find answers or to figure things out, but just to seek Him alone! He has very clearly told me to for these next 6 mos not to try to figure out what will be next and what the future will look like, but just to know and rest in Him. So, here are some of my raw questions and thoughts:
Am I hearing God or just doing because of self-righteous efforts? Loving people or just doing “stuff”? Loving my Lord or loving the adventures? Motivated out of LOVE or out of performance and an identity I’m trying to keep? Are my sacrifices out of love or out of duty? Am I keeping too busy “sacrificing” so that I don’t hear what He is asking of me and to avoid obedience?
Why is spending a day or even a week with your earthly father considered a great use of time. But when someone spends that time alone with their heavenly Father, it is many times questioned…Laziness? Why aren’t you doing something?
When I’m ABIDING with God, my desires ARE His will! (John 15) BUT – I can’t bypass the abiding part or else the lusts of my heart immerge.
It’s not so much WHAT I do as it is BEING who He created me to be, knowing Him, and loving the next person He brings across my path. He’s made it very clear that we are to love- that’s not something I have to pray about and consider- when He brings someone into my life who needs help or needs to be loved, He’s already told all of us what His will is in that situation!
Jesus responds to the man who says, “I cast out demons in your name…” with “I never even knew you!” Yikes! Even doing “powerful” things for God means absolutely nothing if it’s not out of relationship and obedience! We’ve run past our Lover to do things for Him- a form of godliness but without power. He desire obedience more than sacrifice!!
Jesus cared about each one! He took time to sit at the well with one person (Samaritan woman), He didn’t need a platform to be recognized! This one person was equally as important as feeding the multitude!
My heart has still been too focused on the adventure and not as much on loving the people! I do care about them, but I am not on my face crying out to the Lord for them.
TRAVAIL- this word has been spoken to me multiple times over the last few weeks! I need to press in to what this word means…
The Lord keeps gently repeating to me “In quietness and rest is your salvation!”
2 pictures that have been spoken over me: 1- a wild stallion which the Lord has fenced in right now 2- David in the meadows/fields, writing love songs to the Lord and just getting to know my Father and my identity in Him so when the “lion,” “bear,” and “giants” come, I will be ready because of my intimacy and identity in Christ!
If we could really get from our heads to our hearts that 1) we are just passing through here and this is not our home 2) we have no guarantee of tomorrow 3) all we have been given are gifts from the Lord and yet, as His children, all He has is ours (i.e. parable of Prodigal Son and what the father tells the older brother)
Much of my life, I’ve felt like more of a slave and like the Lord needed me and in a sense used me for everyone else, like a puppet who’s purpose was to please others and tell them about a Christ who loves them, all the while not fully convinced of that in my own life. He’s showing me that way of thinking is not from Him, but from man-made”religion.” I have operated many times out of guilt- that I needed to be a certain way or do enough or love enough or serve enough, I would feel guilty taking down time or vacation or time for myself. He’s telling me, “Amy, this year is actually about you. I love you and just want you. I love that you want to share about me with other people and show me you love me through serving, but I really just want you!”
I look at men and women who are crazy radical in the things they do out of obedience…and it all stems from intimacy with You! No one can walk in the authority and boldness He’s given us without the love, compassion and intimacy!
“Let’s Go!” Those who know me well know that’s how I’ve always been- when an opportunity comes up, I always want to be the one who goes. I don’t want to miss out on anything! In a sense, I’ve had adventure on a pedastal above the Lord- ouch! The Lord is now telling me to “stay!” and to pray- that is to be my ministry at this time. I’ve always thought going to do something was so much better, and I honestly never saw prayer/intercession as enough. I thought it was lazy and a cop out from “getting your hands dirty.” But, the greatest power and change comes
through and because of prayer, not because of what we do & our own agendas! I have been asking the Lord for more intimacy for weeks now…however, I just keep going and filling my time with other things. He is now giving me the chance and asking me to just sit with Him…it’s sadly very hard for me and I have shed a number of tears at the thought of letting go of the “going” part and the ministry of serving right now.
Ezekiel laid on one side for 3 ½ years, then turned over to the other side! Many would say he was lazy, what he did pointless, and there was no evidence of any fruit in his life…but it’s what God asked of him and he was all that time in the presence of God and being obedient.
I believe the Lord is telling me that this time is about so much more than just these few weeks; that this time in Africa is really significant in my journey with the Lord and is transformational in where He is taking me and what He needs to do in me. I asked the Lord- “Why here in Africa- the continent my heart is most excited about? Why when I was planning on going on a faith adventure with you? Why when there are so many ministries around and so many hurting people to serve? Why not when I go back home and will be in a place of transition and already have a lot of down time?” His response was, “Obedience is greater than sacrifice. If there wasn’t a price involved and something you were giving up to spend time with Me, it wouldn’t mean as much. You still love the adventure and doing things for Me more than being with me, you find too much of your identity and fulfillment in what you do
for me and not in who you are
in Me.”
FAITH
is the adventure!!! I’ve always run from one to the next, living a full life is what the Lord created each of us for. Looking for the “adventure” in man-made ways…climbing mts or volcanoes, traveling the world, bungee jumping, playing sports, living on little/roughing it, always looking for the challenge…that’s how I live. Nothing is wrong with any of this, and these kinda things do make me feel very alive and will always be a part of my life. There’s much more to adventure though! With everything of this world- as soon as we finish the current challenge we’re already looking for the next one, never satisfied with the thrill from the past. With the Lord, the adventure of faith and obedience spans any age and any location…in listening to what He asks of us and being obedient, there’s great “risk.” The things He calls us to sound crazy, require sacrifice, and make us step out from what is comfortable. He may ask us to give away a possession, or go to the airport without a ticket, or bring coffee over to a new neighbor and build relationship with them, or to adopt a child, or give away our last dollar, or something else. All things that don’t make sense to our minds, but the Lord just smiles and says ”
Trust me!”
Check out Leah’s blog http://leahanderson.theworldrace.org/index.asp?filename=face-to-face and Alissa’s http://alissagibson.theworldrace.org/index.asp?filename=be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god-what-is-still for 2 blogs that I feel like were written from my heart as well!
