Torn

 

This month we worked with ethnic minorities. We supported local churches, attended speakers corner, and so forth. The ministry did not spark anything big in me and I did not fully connect with it but it was a great experience . I learned a lot about Islam by being a part of Speaker’s Corner. Check out this video to see what I’m talking about.

 

Today while we were in the city a few of us met a man from Turkey and had an interesting discussion. He was telling us how to just stick to our religion but don’t go deep. Because when you go deep in any religion that is when you loose it and go crazy. That is when people start killing others and become terrorists. He emphasized the importance of not going deep. WHAT?!? Say it again please. Don’t go deep in my religion, I think not. What is the point then? We could not get him to understand that, that is the point of everything. His faith was backwards. He lives out of fear of digging deeper because if he does, he believes he will loose his sanity and become a fanatic aka terrorist. This backward thinking breaks my heart. Our God loves us and when we dig deeper we only become more free. I am confident that God planted a seed in our new friend and will visit him in many different ways to show him how much he is loved by the One True God!

 

 It has been hard to fully engage in ministry this month. The story from above is only one of many about great conversations that were had here in London. Just because we have been in a Western culture does not mean it has been easy. Almost the reverse is true. How odd is it to transition into western culture after being surrounded by the poor, starving, and helpless for 5 months. I am now surrounded with the wealthy, distracted, and uninterested. London is the most diverse city in the world and one of the hardest mission fields because of that. It also makes it a city that is in desperate need of Christ. I admire the missionaries that are full time here because it is a hard mission field despite being surrounded and distracted by comfort.

 

All month I have avoided dealing with the pressure that has been beating against my chest. I do not know how to. How do I stay engaged even though I feel like something is missing.  I don’t know how to deal with leaving Asia. I have not wanted to feel the pain of leaving so I have stuffed it down. It is starting to overflow and I can no longer ignore the ache in my heart. How can I be homesick for a place I was only in for a blink of an eye. i have not even been homesick for America, but now I am homesick for Thailand. Satan has been using this to his advantage. He has been telling me lies and having me doubt everything that God spoke to me in Thailand. I am tired and cannot battle with him over this anymore. I have to trust God. I give this to my Father because I am to tired to try and ignore the emotions that keep bubbling out of me. This is why I haven’t blogged, because I would have to be honest and admit this and my pride was preventing that. It is ok for me not to be ok with leaving Asia. It is ok that God broke my heart for a nation. It is ok that I have no idea what the future looks likes and that freaks me out just a little. It is ok to not be ok right now.

I am ok because despite all the confusion and pain that is inside of me I know that God is my comfort.