Saturday
night it hit me. This is too hard. I cannot do this trip for a year. How can I
emotionally handle all this? I want to go home to where it is easy. The people
there know me and speak my language. Wasn’t it enough serving you on the leadership
team at my church? Life in Atlanta was easier than this. So for the evening I
was broken.
Saturday we
took our weekly trip into town to get on the internet and handle logistics
stuff. It was the 1st time I had been able to talk to my family since being
here in Ometepe. It was so nice to hear their voices and to let their love wash
over me. But something changed, I was getting angry and in a bad mood by the
end of the day. We were planning on doing church together when we returned to
Cicrin and I was not in the mood. By the time I made it to the room all I could
do was lay on my bed to escape.
I had no
where to run. No quiet place that I could shut the world out. There were kids
everywhere and a group of veterinarians from the US that were here for the week
also. There was noise everywhere and all I wanted to do was escape. So I rolled
on my side and turned my ipod up to full blast. If I could only hear Sara
Groves singing to me I would be all alone. That is when the tears came. I had
no idea why. Why is it so hard right now? I didn’t even know these emotions were
building up in me. I just wanted to sit in my own pile of brokenness and let it
overcome me. And I did.
But then
something happened. I felt mutiple people rubbing and scrathching my back. And for a moment I saw Jesus sitting on the floor next to my bed just
loving me, holding me, soothing me. That is what some of the girls in my team
did for me. Through their gentleness they were being Christ to me. It was the
soothing my soul needed.
A few days
later when I was talking to the girls about what all that was about, I was
still not completely sure. I am not homesick. I know that this is where God
called me and I feel peace in that. But for the moment I was broken and they
were Jesus to me. I am at home.
John 14:23 “If anyone loves
me, he will obey my teachings. My father will love him, and we will come to him
and make our home with him.”
