Something my team does every now and then is share highs and lows of the day. Calling them “highs” and “lows” is boooorrring. So, we prefer to call them “happys” and “crappys.” Way more fun, right? 🙂
This month, in Malaysia, has for sure been a “happy.” I absolutely love the children we have been teaching English. They will be my hardest goodbye so far for sure. We have also had a good amount of down time to press hard into our relationships with the Lord, our relationships with eachother, and relationships with people in the community of Kuala Lipis.
My time with Jesus this month has been awe inducing. After the first week here I could honestly say I had never felt so close to God. I thought that I had experienced intimacy with Him as good as it could get. I was wrong. I felt as if I were walking in His presence constantly and I was able to recognize Him speaking to me and through me very very often throughout my days. I was consumed with the thought of Him and His goodness. My times of worship toward Him were pure and wonderful. And then came the “crappy…”
I, out of nowhere, felt stripped of ALL joy that He has graced me with. I could clearly see ugliness in my heart and was experiencing a lack of love for my team mates. I was not at peace and was lacking patience. I have absolutely no idea where it came from. I just woke up this way one day. I wracked my brain and I prayed and prayed for an answer as to why. There wasn’t one. I kept pursuing the Lord and I BEGGED Him to restore the joy and love and peace he has always given me. It didn’t come. I just wanted to feel close to Him again. I needed Him. This wasn’t just not being in that spiritual high that I had been in. I know that we can’t always feel that way (blog to come about that.) This was something different. I still don’t know exactly what caused this. I’m pretty sure it was a season of unexplained depression. But, God began to point out to me the moments throughout my days where He was. “See, that was my doing.” “See, I used you there.” I am so thankful for that. It brought me back into the “happys”
God slowly began restoring the things that felt lost. In a way that is hard to pin point. It just happened. I like that. It shows me that it was all Him and not of myself.
Since then, He has begun digging up deeper things in me that I didn’t realize were there. He has been doing this in very unexpected ways. This process of deeper growth could be classified as “happy” and “crappy.” It is hard to see that areas that you thought you had already walked through haven’t been fully taken care of yet, but it is also extremely beautiful and humbling to know that I have a heavenly Father who cares about the deep hidden things of my heart. I’m sure there will be a blog about this as well. As soon as He tells me to.
Anywhoo…I love Jesus! I love that He will never leave me or forsake me. I love that NOTHING will ever pluck me from His hand. I love that He is with me and loves me in the happy times and the messy, “crappy” times. I love that He has put me into a community that loves me and cares for me through these things. They have demonstrated so well the unwavering love of God.
I may not understand right now what the reason for the ups and downs (especially the downs) are, but I know this: All things, every trial, every failure, every hurt, is for my good and for His glory! That’s all a girl could ask for 🙂
