Saturday I arrived home after a week in Gainesville, GA at training camp for the Race. I am sure everyone wants to know what the sleeping situations were, what the food was like, how I connected with my team, and how training camp challenged me. I would absolutely love to discuss that with you all, but I feel pretty strongly about sharing something in particular that God did with me this past week.
I went into camp feeling highly uncomfortable. I knew that I would be exposed to some things that I hadn’t been before like styles of prayer and worship, teachings, and new ways of experiencing the Holy Spirit. And I was. I felt especially tense during the worship times. I was just not focused on the Lord. I was focused on the movements around me. I was raising my hands high and swaying back and forth….to fit in. I hate admitting that, but its the truth. During this time on the second night, God said to me “Be Still.” It was really difficult to do that. To be one of the only still people in a room full of people genuinely worshiping God in their movements. By the way, I have nothing against raising your hands in worship or dancing in celebration toward the Lord. I have done both of these things genuinely. But, it wasn’t genuine for me in that moment. I stood there still, only out of obedience to the word that the Lord gave me. I still wasn’t connecting with God or worshiping him in my heart.
The next night I felt the same way. I stood there, still, singing, hoping that it would start to register in my heart. Then I realized what my problem was. I couldn’t connect with and worship God, the way that I was used to being able to, because I was expecting to be pressured into experiencing something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was fearful that if I wasn’t comfortable with something or if my style of prayer wasn’t what other peoples was, that I would be judged. God spoke to me again in that moment, saying, “Be Authentic.” I know what you are thinking: “Duh!” It just took me a while to realize that I had fallen into trying to be something that I wasn’t. I am so thankful for God’s patience with me through this. A weight lifted immediately. I felt like he gave me permission to be who I am in him and that is all I needed. From that point on, I had peace and comfort and was able to boldly worship and pray, the way that I do. The way that I express worship and pray is beautiful to him.
I realized that I had nothing to worry about to begin with. There was never an ounce of pressure, expectation, or judgement from anyone on staff or in training. There was only encouragement to connect with God or experience the Holy Spirit in the way that is unique to the individual. I appreciated this so much! It was freeing to know that when I worship in a more subdued way or when I am moved to worship in a more physical way, it is beautiful and pleasing to God because it is true and from my heart. My prayers are enjoyed so much by God because they are genuine not because they sound a certain way.
I came to appreciate the diversity of the body of believers so much more through my experience at training camp as well. He knows how each of us needs to experience him in each moment of our lives and speaks into us accordingly. My “authentic” and other’s “authentic” will look different because each one of us have a special relationship with Jesus that is unlike anyone else’s. I rejoice in that!
