That MOMENT, we’ve all had it. It’s the moment when everything we know has changed or is changing. Every current, past, and future World Racer has it, the moment they realize nothing will ever be the same (and I’m sure it hits more than once.) I’ll be honest the whole idea of leaving and everything changing hadn’t really hit me. I mean I’ve moved more times than I care to count and well, honestly, I HATE change. So, I tend to avoid thinking about it. (I realize this isn’t the healthiest way to deal with it, and truthfully I’ve gotten better but…) Anyways, I hadn’t felt it. I moved out of my apartment, nothing. I bought supplies, nothing. Then two weeks ago I realized I was more than a grand away from reaching my first fundraising deadline. I started to panic and get nervous. I knew God had called me but it was still scary. God is good and the funds came through, more than I expected. We serve an amazing God and He loves me so much. All of that started to make the Race feel more real but… it still really hadn’t hit me.
… Until Today.
Today it all changed. I had That MOMENT. And I didn’t like it. I cried. It sucked. I’ll explain what happened. I was chatting with my mom about some friends who had just gotten married and I would be interested to see how things would change or not change. I mean we’ve all been there; especially when you’re 27 and one of the last ones in your group to get married or even just be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful for being single. Honestly, I enjoy it and haven’t been ready to get married. I want to be married eventually, but there is so much living to be had. I’m thankful for this time to be able to do those things. Like run off from all “responsible” adult things and travel and minister for 11 months to 11 countries. (Seriously, how cool is that!)
Sorry, tangent back to the story. As I was saying, my mom and I were chatting and I said one of the things I was dreading was coming back and everything being different. Now, I’ve moved away from one place to another then moved back to the first. I’ve seen first-hand how things can be totally different when you want them to be the same. They never are, we all grow and change. My mom reminded me that we didn’t even know where I would be at the end of 11 months. If I would move back or go in a different direction, and I have been through this before as a military brat; I shouldn’t be surprised that everything will be different and at That MOMENT… BAM!!! It hit me and I was angry.
Yep, Angry. I was super angry, really sad, and hurt. It was quite the emotional tidal wave. I didn’t like it. I didn’t tell my mom that, I just agreed and our conversation wrapped up as we were both busy multi-tasking. I hung up the phone and cried in the front-seat of my car in the Target parking lot. Now honestly, I’m not usually super emotional, at least not visibly. It all hit me I leave for training in two weeks to meet the amazing S Squad. They are the coolest people ever honest. They’ve prayed for me over the last several weeks and we’ve chatted I’m so excited to serve with them, in 7 WEEKS! Yes, 7 weeks. I can’t believe it. As I sat in the Target parking lot thinking on this, all the emotions made me feel silly and crazy. I’m leaving and I know that everything is changing. I will be changed. I will never be the same. I know that on a deep, deep level. Can I let you in on a secret… It scares me. A lot. It’s a lot of change, things are changing now, the Race will be a lot of change, and when I come home everything will be different.
I would like to say, God gave me some words immediately that brought me comfort. He didn’t. I mulled over the feeling for several hours. Then on a late night Wendy’s run (hey, I needed a Frosty) I was chewing on this blog and my emotions. The verses from Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind. I was reminded that there is a season for everything. I’m closing a season and moving into a new one. Is it difficult? Yes. Is it going to be hard? Probably. Will I always like it? I doubt it. Will it be worth it? Most definitely. Then God reminded me through a song on the radio that He knows everything. He knows the stars, the hairs on my head. He is uncontainable. He is everywhere. If He’s everywhere then I have nothing to fear in the future because He holds my future.
As I was typing this, the Lord reminded me of a slip of paper I keep in my Bible. I don’t remember when or where I got it. I’ve had it for a long while, so probably college. It is a quote from Rev. Mooney, “You don’t need to know where you’re going as long as you know who you’re following.” How cool is that? God is soo good. I’m following my Jesus into the world. J I’m so excited and a little sad to leave what I know and love behind. But I do know that God has my future and that is all I need, even when it leaves me a little scared.
