I’m a terrible liar, and most emotions are completely played across my face but I’ve gotten really good at hiding my tears and when I feel my worse. I cry a lot at night, in my room, alone. There is no longer someone to share a queen size, full size, or even a twin size bed with. I no longer share a tent with someone else or have to fit seven or eight people in a room. I’m alone when I go to sleep. It’s quiet in my room. I can turn my music on to fall asleep with and I don’t need headphones in. I’m not hearing dogs bark, people puking, crickets chirping, waves crashing, cars driving, or anything else outside my window; just silence. It’s deafening. If I have to pee in the middle of the night I roll off of my bed and stumble to my bathroom with a light that I can turn on and a western toilet. It’s all inside. I don’t have to use a flashlight to get to it. If have a nightmare in the middle of the night, it’s me praying alone and out-loud. I can’t roll over and ask for prayers because I’m alone. I feel completely alone. It’s a weird feeling for an introvert like myself who craved alone time on the race to feel so alone. I cry because of how alone I feel. I miss everyone so much that my gut hurts even more and I feel even more nauseated than I already felt because of how alone I feel.
I’m alone crying tears in the dark of my room a world away from my team, my friends, and my family. Yet, just outside the door is more family, more friends, and my life that I missed so much when I was gone.
The week I left for the race my teammate Heath’s mom sent little cards and with a stone an “Ebenezer stone”. It had the verse 1 Samuel 7:12 on it.
“Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer saying, ‘Thus far the Lord has helped us.” (NASB)
I came across that verse again in my devotional and then a couple of days later the Lord gave me this verse:
“The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (NASB)
This was from Deuteronomy 31:8. If you remember when I was first praying about going home God gave me the verse from Joshua 1 where He reminds Joshua that like Moses, He will be with him. He won’t fail or forsake him. This verse in Deuteronomy is where God was talking to Moses. The Lord has helped me get this far. He knew I would come home at the end of month seven. He knew I would be sick. He would see my tears. He would feel my loneliness. If He has helped me get this far and He promised to be with me and that He would not fail or forsake me. I don’t have to feel alone. He is with me. I have nothing to fear because He is with me. Eventually the answers will come. Dismay means to lose courage, or resolve. It can also mean upset or perturbed. In the last two weeks. I’ve been dismayed. I’ve lost my courage and my resolve. I’ve wondered if I could go back with my health still a mess because it would have to be easier than facing the day in and day outs of my life here. I’ve been upset and perturbed with everyone at some point or another. The doctors… I don’t understand why there isn’t an answer yet. I’ve been poked and prodded more than I care to admit. My parents… I’m 28 and living at home. My church… they just don’t get it. Pretty much everyone including God. Seriously, I came home and no answers! None! Then because I’m perturbed with God I get angry at myself because He told me this was going to be a fight and how after being home for three weeks am I already losing my resolve. It leads to more tears in the dark.
I can’t lose my courage, my resolve. I have to hold on, God has brought me to this point. He isn’t going to fail or forsake me. I know this deep in my soul I know it. Holding on is tougher than I thought but I’m learning my faith although weak at times is so much stronger than it was 8 months ago. I am a warrior. I have the Shield of Faith and the Sword of Truth. I am not going to let the enemy dictate how I feel and what I feel. The enemy has already been defeated. So I may cry, the Lord sees my tears, He knows my heart. I am not alone, even when I feel alone because my Savior, Jesus Christ, is right here beside me.
