FEAR There I said it… FEAR, ANXIETY, WORRY, and CONFUSION!
Like I said… a four letter word and a few other dirty ones to go with it…
Last night I had a nightmare. It wasn’t about the World Race it was about a state test I was administering today and again on Thursday. It was horrible. In my dream everything had gone wrong. I had forgotten to administer the test first thing in the morning and was starting at 1pm in the afternoon… but that was bad because my students were supposed to have all day for this test. I had failed. Students were not on the roster that needed to be. In my nightmare I had forgotten everything. At some point though I realized it had to be a dream, that it couldn’t be real. I woke up still panicked, still running late to school. Yes, I had forgotten a few things but was able to remedy them rather quickly. It doesn’t matter that this was my 8th or 9th time administering this test in 4 ½ years of teaching, I still had lost sight. I had lost sight that God would bring it together. That it would workout. I was called to my job. I’ve stayed in my job when I’ve wanted to quit because I knew without a doubt I was called.
On Sunday, Pastor Paul talked about obedience and he talked about Abraham and Isaac. Staying at my job hasn’t always been easy. Sometimes it felt like a sacrifice because there is and was so much more that I wanted to do. I love my students, and my coworkers. I love what I do, but I don’t always like the expectations and the extras that my job requires. There is fear in obedience sometimes. Last year, not leaving my job and staying because that is what God told me to do… it sucked and I was scared. What if this year was as bad as last year? But this year has been awesome! God has redeemed my teaching career. If I had left last year it would have been with a bitter taste for teaching and working in the school system. This year has been a complete 180 from last year and I’m so thankful.
I know you’re wondering what all this has to do with my race well I’d be liar if I said I had no fear about this race. That I had no fear about walking away from my family, friends, church family, my safe 8-4:30 job (with summers, weekends, and holidays off) and that I was superly, duperly confident that everything would always work out. (insert nervous giggle and smirk) Okay, I’m not. I am confident that I am called but leaving my family, friends, church family, again my safe 8-4:30 super awesome job with paid vacation well that just sucks! The idea of missing events, birthdays, holidays, and all the in-between stuff scares me. I do know that God is with me and I will still have events, birthdays, holidays, and a ton of new in-between stuff to celebrate. And let’s be honest being outside of God’s will and not obeying is 100 Thousand Times scarier than going.
All this brings me to one more topic that stirs up those four words I listed above…. Fundraising. There I said it… It scares me more than elementary schoolers… who seriously folks, there is a reason I teach middle schoolers and why six graders at the beginning of the year are tough for me… Today, I was at Wally World, buying lunch for the week and thinking about my nightmare last night and thinking about the race. Let me be real for a minute y’all, I am crazy excited about the race, cannot wait! But when I’m by myself the panic, anxiety, confusion, worry, and FEAR pop in and out of my thoughts. Causing me to question if I can raise the money I need, will I be able to afford to go… will the money come through, will God make it happen. Yep fear and doubt (another dirty word) attack me. Anyways what struck me was whenever I talk to someone about the trip I’m excited, confident, and full of hope; but when I’m alone its opposite. Why is that? I believe it comes to perspective when I’m telling others the passion I feel, the excitement I feel it’s tangible and it’s right at the surface. There is a confidence there knowing God will do this, but when I’m alone I let my guard down and that’s when Satan strikes with his arrows… So during my 30 second drive home I prayed about fundraising and was giving it to God. When I got home and put away my groceries I noticed I had missed a phone call. My grandparents called. They wanted to talk about the trip and fundraising and what they were giving. God is so good. He heard my cry, my fears, my worries and He put them to rest. 
He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider.
God is going to provide on this trip. The fear, anxiety, worry, and confusion, I just need lay those at His feet… daily… well maybe hourly… okay fine minute by minute. But I do know He will take them and dissolve them. I need only trust and obey, just like the kids song. You know you sang it in your head…
Also here is a song so powerful and true same title "Trust and Obey"
