Adventures WorldRace SethBarnes Sponsorship Giving

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When 2012 started, I thought I would be overseas for the whole year…then when I got back, I would take some time off, visit some local churches, share my experience of the Worldrace and prepare for life after the those 11 months. 
 
However, that plan got totally wrecked. 
 
I got severely sick and had to be sent back to the States for treatment. Eventually, the decision was made to just stay in the States instead of finishing the Worldrace. Well, like anything, life had to continue on. I had medical bills to pay and needed a job. I went back to my old job that I had since high school. I am grateful to have a good job but, something just did not feel… complete? I have been feeling… some sort of… void? 
-I’ve been asking God, “what is your plan for my life other than working a drive thru at 25?” 
-I know God will place you where you are “uncomfortable” to grow you and use you were you are… yeah, got that…but still. 
-I don’t feel like my skills, my character, my God given talents were being fully utilized….
 
Then, that got me wondering…what even ARE my skills, talents, gifts, passions?
 
Well, I may not have an alphabetical list made out just yet… 
But today…
God gave me just a snippet, a small glimmer, a peak…
 
[[I am worshipper.]]
 
I remember going to the Compass Church in El Salvador and being fully immersed in a crowd of worshippers. There was no discrimination or “watchers”.. no need to impress… no fear to sink in and be silent. 
It was a room wall to wall full of metal folding chairs and they were all empty.  
Worshippers on their feet and hands lifted high in total surrender with no shame, no recognized of others around them. Just in total spirit filled and led worship. El Salvador taught me, showed me, exemplified true worship…nothing held back. It didn’t matter about the band, it didn’t matter about the dancers, it didn’t matter about being in tune or pitch. Christ the King was the only thing that mattered. And those people in that church, they understood that.. .and embraced it. 
 
Sitting here in my America church, listening to the song, “Hosanna”… I am spiritually transported back to that church in El Salvador. And-uncontrollably- I lose it. I can not help but to cry. I have been praying for about three-four weeks now to grow closer to God. There is this longing in my life… an “unfillable” void, emptiness in my heart and I prayed that it would somehow, be filled. 
 
God’s word says, “Draw close to me and I will draw close to you.”  and I have been pondering, “Come to me and you will not be hungry. You will not go thirsty. God will fill that emptiness, that void.” 
 
And, I realize in that moment that’s the void I’ve been missing in these six months since my departure from the Worldrace. 
 
[[I miss worship.]]
 
My spirit has longed for it, craved it. And not just any worship either… 
Pure-completely filtered worship from my circumstance, my baggage, my sin-just pure worship. Worship with no limitations or restrictions. 
Worship: hands lifted unashamedly to my King, my Savior. 
 
To me, worship is my pathway to God. It is how I hear and feel my Savior the most clearly and by the most power. It is my communication to and from God. I have been SIX months without it. Is it any wonder that I’ve slipped into a depression, had lost of motivation, goals?? (review some of the recent past blogs).
 
I need some pure, authentic worship back in my life. 
 
I, my spirit, needs to be back in that place where nothing else matters…time doesn’t exist… music theory and singing lessons are irrelevant. 
 
Just a place of standing before my God.
And even that… is just enough. 
 
Just to be in God’s presence is enough. That itself if worship to me. You wouldn’t even need music, songs or lyrics. Just who HE is… is enough. 
 
Then, my heart just pours out these things: “God, at what point would I…can I come back to that? 
Back to you?
Without the conditions and community of the Worldrace?
 
God, I miss you… so so so much. 
It is unbearable.”
 
….and right then and there… 
It was like I just felt, heard the Lord say, “you gotta let it go.”
Sigh.
And… as you could imagine…
Snot and tears pour out of my face.
 
….beautiful, I’m sure. But, there is truth in all that mess….
 
For me to be able to fully worship… 
I need to be fully free.
 
 
I MISS THE WORLDRACE TERRIBLY!!
I need peace to let the Worldrace go. 
To stop regretting that I had to come back to the States. 
I have unintentionally disconnected myself from my squad because I believed the lies that Satan threw at me… that I no longer had a part nor place with them…that I would somehow distract them and contaminate them if I spoke of my troubles or anything stateside while they were overseas. 
I thought that my time with that community, with that powerful group of worshippers-was over. 
Crazy, stupid lies I believed when all along, my squad over these past six months.. .is who I needed the most. Because of this, I interrupted the growth God started.
 
And now that they have entered into their last month-I feel more disconnected than ever. And at the same time, the most homesick for them. I have decided that I have let this covered up bitterness and resentment build up that I’ve missed the opportunity to still be apart of D Squad Worldrace… be apart of Worship…and ultimately, be apart of God, His presence and His will. 
 
Today…
I let the Worldrace go.
I know in my head that its been over for me for a long time. 
But, I think that never got properly communicated to my heart. 
I know that my tent, my backpack and my gear has slowly made its way tucked backed into the closets. I even put it there myself. 
But, it never seemed real to me. 
 
But, today… I let the Worldrace go. If my four months on the Race taught me anything, its that freedom is a very beautiful and real thing. 
I know it sounds crazy…but I’ve been tormented by the haggling of the enemy telling me all the “what ifs” and “could have-s” and “should be-s”. 
 
I let it go so I can be free to live my life where I am, right now. 
Be who God has called me to be…
….outside of the Worldrace.  
 
Just because God closed the door on 11 countries in 11 months, does not mean that He has closed the door on my life calling. Just because I missed opportunity to serve (what I think is my kingdom dream) of serving in Africa with these awesome, unbelievable group of people…doesn’t mean that He has closed the door completely on Africa for me. 
 
In my search these weeks, I’ve been asking God, “what is your plan for my life other than working a drive thru at 25?” I don’t feel like ,my skills my character, my God given talents are being fully utilized. Furthermore… what even ARE my skills, talents, gifts, passions?
 
I am a worshipper. 
 
That is one aspect that makes me who I am…
And usually, I need all the details, the complete step by step, check off list, the plan and the back up plan before I can commit.
 
But just knowing that God has drafted me into a worshipper… is enough for me today. 
 
I thought I was praying, fasting, searching for these past three weeks for God to lead me to what career, what job, what income…I am supposed to take. What direction to go in. I don’t know if I am supposed to go back to school for another degree. I don’t have to know the plan, design of what my career is-what the next step is. 
 
A career is not what I need.
 
Worship is what I need. 
The experience of God’s presence is what I need. 
And amazing enough, that is enough. 
 
All I know right now…is that I just have to know and apply who I am as a worshipper from here on out. 
 
That answer is enough to satisfy. 
No, it doesn’t solve what career, job, degree, direction I need to go to. 
And, it doesn’t even matter right now. 
The HOW!!?!!!?!?! The WHY!?!?!?!?!
…none of that matters,
Because if I am complaining, I am not worshipping.
Worship right now is what I need. 
Worship is Kingdom minded. 
Worship is eternal.
 
And THAT’S the direction I, my spirit needs to go toward.
Kingdom.
 
Thanks God for being so real, tangible, audible to me. Thanks for not leaving me…even when I left you. 
I am a worshipper. 
Change the way I think so that my behavior will change. 
…so I will be able to take a stand…
And a stand to worship you…
…always. 
 
God is faithful to answer. 
God is faithful to come to you. 
…even in the most unexpected ways.