(See blog: What it is like to leave the WR, prematurely)
When you sit in a pile of your own mess and filth and destruction for months on end… you are pretty freaking nasty.
And, of course, I don’t mean literally…I did not sit in a dark corner for months with no food or water or potty breaks… Daily activities continued on… I moved to Jacksonville to be closer to Justin… Painted every single piece of furniture in my apartment. {Never again!} I found a job as a pharmacy tech… Life was still in progress… but… I was so checked out mentally and spiritually… you would have thought that I was sitting in a dark corner for months.
Even during this time, I planned my own wedding. And, I am going to try to put this as delicately as I can so please don’t misread this… but even during the planning of the biggest and best day of my life… Amy was gone.
Fake facades and juggling multiple personalities was exhausting… Now, at this point… I thought that a switch would have came on…. My squad was back in the States and the Race was over… but instead, they are going all over the world independently of the squad, furthering even still the Kingdom. So, instead of the happy switch, I just felt worse because I was not doing anything with my life… nothing of grander… I was just working the same job I had since high school. Boy, what an accomplishment. But, I knew that I could not keep competing with the Worldrace. I had to let it go… I had to forgive myself and accept God’s plan for me. {Which, sucked.}….even if that plan did not include Africa. But at least at that point, I feel like…. I had stood up. No longer sitting in my own mess. I knew that change had to come, somehow, someway…
It simply had to.
During the time where I should have been the most joyous-I felt robbed completely of it. Here I was, a bride-wearing that same old familiar mask. And, don’t get me wrong… my marriage was not a mistake or anything like that… it was just happening simultaneously during a time where I was without God or had the Joy of my salvation.
We got married and Justin immediately went away to police academy. We only saw each other a few days over the next three months. One Sunday, I remember that I was supposed to drag myself to church but… I overslept. So, trying (desperately) to at least be a good wife… I remember praying for Justin and him being a police…
and what happened next…
was the catalyst to pulling me out of the pit!
