Afraid.Afraid.
AFRAID.
Sometimes when I hear this word, I think of the common phobias people have:
“I am afraid of spiders”
“I am afraid of snakes”
“I am afraid of heights”
“I am afraid of the dark”
I usually boost that I am not necessarily afraid of anything… afterall, I’ve jumped out of airplanes, sailed the deep seas, held tarantulas in my hand, signed up for the Worldrace…
Whether I am fearless…or just stubborn and/or stupid…. Either can be rightly debated.
In the past, I would have said that perhaps my biggest fear was the fear of failure…. I struggled daily with that… always striving to get an A in everything… putting more work and effort into a project… having good work ethic…being the best I could be to never fail…a perfectionist mentality.
Slowly, the Lord has been revealing to me that I was trying to balance being a perfectionist and avoiding failure in this twisted formula of people pleasing. God and I are working through that. It will take time… afterall, it is 24 years of habits that will have to change and be reformatted.
But, right now as I am in my bed for the… well, I’ve done lost count with the number of days at this point…. But… I have this word “afraid” lingering in my mind…
Afraid.
Scared.
Fearful.
And….that is where I am at.
I do not really know where to go with this writing… I just feel like I need to write, to vent, to express…to… word vomit.
I just got back from the digestive track specialist and now… I’m home bound because I have to take this medication that tastes like the Atlantic ocean…and…. Get ready for the procedure tomorrow.
I have tried resting.
I have tried reading.
I even tried watching Titanic… which, was probably not a smart idea to begin with.
So, now…I’m gonna try writing…and… with no purpose or audience really… I just need to “vent”…
And… well…since the Lord is growing me out of my people pleasing tendencies… I’m just going to lay all my cards out on the table…
I am scared.
I have no idea what to do.
I can not even answer any more how I feel.
I can not tell you if something hurts or is in discomfort because….well…. it has hurt for so long… I am not really sure how the pain is on a scale of 1-10 anymore.
I don’t know if it is getting better or if my body is just adjusting to it…
I am discouraged.
I am disappointed.
I am exhausted.
I am confused.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am hopeful.
I am hopeless.
I am everything and nothing at the same time.
I am scared….
I heard myself utter those words as I sat on my bed…. Moved beyond the point of tears and crying…
I was weeping…. Uncontrollably.
I was just told that my results came back from the poop sample…
and I do not have parasites or bacteria there….
Normal people would have celebrated and went about their day relieved.
Not this girl.
I broke down like you just told me a loved one had died.
I was actually counting on a multitude of parasites and worms being in my body!!
I was praying for an internal infection…or….something.
And….there is nothing.
Ughhhhhh.
Even writing this… I am at the point of tears again…
If there is no parasites….what is it then?!
GOD….I AM SCARED!
What do you want me to do now God? What happens next?
Even though my mind is racing in a million directions… I am forced to zone in on one thing that I’ve been learning over these past several weeks…. And… thank you Misty for helping me get there…
Zone in on truth…
Ask yourself the questions… from the beginning…
Do I believe in God? Yes.
Do I believe in the Christian God? Yes.
Do I believe that the Christian God has gifted us with His eternal word, the Bible? Yes.
Do I believe that the Bible is true? Yes.
Do I believe when the Bible says that God is a sovereign God? Yes.
Do I believe that God is a good God? Yes.
Do I believe that God will never leave me? Yes.
Do I believe that God is faithful? ….yes.
Do I believe that God has purposeful and good plans for us? …yes.
Do I believe that God hears and answers our prayers? Yes.
If I believe all that… then, I must believe what the Lord just gave me as well…
Peace….
Peace I leave with you.
My peace I give to you.
Do not let your heart be troubled.
Nor let it be afraid.
Love Jesus.
(John 14:27)
Sometimes when I hear this word, I think of the common phobias people have:
“I am afraid of spiders”
“I am afraid of snakes”
“I am afraid of heights”
“I am afraid of the dark”
I usually boost that I am not necessarily afraid of anything… afterall, I’ve jumped out of airplanes, sailed the deep seas, held tarantulas in my hand, signed up for the Worldrace…
Whether I am fearless…or just stubborn and/or stupid…. Either can be rightly debated.
In the past, I would have said that perhaps my biggest fear was the fear of failure…. I struggled daily with that… always striving to get an A in everything… putting more work and effort into a project… having good work ethic…being the best I could be to never fail…a perfectionist mentality.
Slowly, the Lord has been revealing to me that I was trying to balance being a perfectionist and avoiding failure in this twisted formula of people pleasing. God and I are working through that. It will take time… afterall, it is 24 years of habits that will have to change and be reformatted.
But, right now as I am in my bed for the… well, I’ve done lost count with the number of days at this point…. But… I have this word “afraid” lingering in my mind…
Afraid.
Scared.
Fearful.
And….that is where I am at.
I do not really know where to go with this writing… I just feel like I need to write, to vent, to express…to… word vomit.
I just got back from the digestive track specialist and now… I’m home bound because I have to take this medication that tastes like the Atlantic ocean…and…. Get ready for the procedure tomorrow.
I have tried resting.
I have tried reading.
I even tried watching Titanic… which, was probably not a smart idea to begin with.
So, now…I’m gonna try writing…and… with no purpose or audience really… I just need to “vent”…
And… well…since the Lord is growing me out of my people pleasing tendencies… I’m just going to lay all my cards out on the table…
I am scared.
I have no idea what to do.
I can not even answer any more how I feel.
I can not tell you if something hurts or is in discomfort because….well…. it has hurt for so long… I am not really sure how the pain is on a scale of 1-10 anymore.
I don’t know if it is getting better or if my body is just adjusting to it…
I am discouraged.
I am disappointed.
I am exhausted.
I am confused.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am hopeful.
I am hopeless.
I am everything and nothing at the same time.
I am scared….
I heard myself utter those words as I sat on my bed…. Moved beyond the point of tears and crying…
I was weeping…. Uncontrollably.
I was just told that my results came back from the poop sample…
and I do not have parasites or bacteria there….
Normal people would have celebrated and went about their day relieved.
Not this girl.
I broke down like you just told me a loved one had died.
I was actually counting on a multitude of parasites and worms being in my body!!
I was praying for an internal infection…or….something.
And….there is nothing.
Ughhhhhh.
Even writing this… I am at the point of tears again…
If there is no parasites….what is it then?!
GOD….I AM SCARED!
What do you want me to do now God? What happens next?
Even though my mind is racing in a million directions… I am forced to zone in on one thing that I’ve been learning over these past several weeks…. And… thank you Misty for helping me get there…
Zone in on truth…
Ask yourself the questions… from the beginning…
Do I believe in God? Yes.
Do I believe in the Christian God? Yes.
Do I believe that the Christian God has gifted us with His eternal word, the Bible? Yes.
Do I believe that the Bible is true? Yes.
Do I believe when the Bible says that God is a sovereign God? Yes.
Do I believe that God is a good God? Yes.
Do I believe that God will never leave me? Yes.
Do I believe that God is faithful? ….yes.
Do I believe that God has purposeful and good plans for us? …yes.
Do I believe that God hears and answers our prayers? Yes.
If I believe all that… then, I must believe what the Lord just gave me as well…
Peace….
Peace I leave with you.
My peace I give to you.
Do not let your heart be troubled.
Nor let it be afraid.
Love Jesus.
(John 14:27)
