This is a letter that I wrote to Justin/God… its pretty long but totally worth it!
I’ve really been struggling with looking back to the “Belize Amy” lately. I know you don’t know her, but, she is the best Amy out of all of them. She was sooo intentionally relational. She would ask people(family, friends, complete strangers!!) how they were and would not settle for “I’m doing fine or I am good..” No! She would really seek people out where they were and ask, “How are you? No, seriously.. How are you? Physically? Spiritually? Emotionally? Mentally? How are you!”….and, I loved it! I used to be a hugger.. Everybody, all the time. I was very affectionate and I continuously spoke life to and over people. I was such a strong encourager. I was not afraid to be bold and just ask people if I could pray for them…right wherever we were at… no matter who was around or what the circumstance was. I love that “Belizean Amy” She was so cool, never was concerned what others thought about her, never beat herself up over stupid, petty things. I had such a confidence in myself and especially in the Lord. It was so beautiful, real and attractive. I had a total dependence on the Lord. I had the best desire to read the Bible and spend time with God. It was literally the best time of my life, spiritually anyway! (Maybe that is why I get so homesick for Belize all the time?) It is so crazy that you even brought up my old apartment, Cade, because I feel like that was the last little glimmer of that person. That was the last little token of that person existing. Then, something happened…but, I don’t know what. Ansley tried to tell me that I was changing, that I was losing that person, that I no longer asked how people were…but I did not listen. I honestly probably did not know how to! I think I slowly started drifting off to becoming this person that was constantly mediocre/dull…where things that used to excite me and bring me joy.. slowly died off. It seriously took a lot to make me happy or smile. It is hard to explain. It is like, I took a sudden turn from being so joyful and highly concerned about everyone to this person who was dark, dull and selfish. I quit asking people how they were because I no longer cared. I no longer took interest in other people’s life because I only cared about myself. I particularity noticed a big change in how I treated momma. I used to be so patient and kind to her, a great encourager. But now, I just feel like I am just rude and mean to her. What in the world is wrong with me? What have I become? Maybe you do not notice it because I love you and you bring me so much joy and laughter. But, I think inside, I am just spiritually dead..and have been for a few years now. I think this is becoming extremely apparent within this past week. It is almost like I am just barely surviving/existing. It reminds me of the days when I was very depressed and suicidal. Anyway.. For a while on the race, I have just been using that I want you and I want to go home as a crutch or the reason I was being depressed here. But, over this past week, God has been revealing to me that these feelings are rooted in something much deeper than that excuse/reason.
WHICH..has been so hard… it sucks to be exposed by the Lord.. Seriously. I hit my ….not necessarily breaking point…but…maybe…the “ahhh-ha!” moment when I realized that literally, I have not smiled, laughed, been happy or had joy in over a week. At first, I tried to cushion it by saying that I have been physically sick with the parasite thing. But, God did not settle with that….this is something big that I need to bring to light. I think it is so easy to mask this when I am home because 1.) You are there and I feel like you are my joy. (which, God is breaking me into pieces because He is a jealous God and that is not Biblical…as hard as it is to say!! That GOD should be my joy) and 2.) that I stay so freaking busy at home with work, school, cleaning up, art projects that I do not allow these feelings to surface. I am just able to suppress them with my busyness. Does this make sense? But, while here on the world race, yes, we are busy, yes we are serving and working.. But, there are times (sometime intentionally planned) that we just have with the Lord… no TVs, no internets, no distractions…which forces you to either sleep (which, sometimes I admit, I use as a copout so I wont have to) or you are “forced” to spend time with the Lord. So, I have had a lot of time to process and think through some of this stuff.
AND LET ME TELL YOU…. IT SUCKS! It really does.. But, it is by far the healthiest thing I have done for myself in a really long time.. Making sure my spirit and soul are healthy is far better than making sure I run for the day or count calories. (physically). It has been a really long time since I have even thought about checking in to make sure things are ok spiritually…which, makes me think that after I left Belize in 2009, that’s when I stopped looking at my heart… which, makes a lot of sense as far as the timeline is concerned.
(Real quick: Summer 2009=Belize. Then you came home from Army… and we were not friends..then December 2009 is when I got lost my RA job…which, now? Looking back..I can see where a lot of my spiritual damage comes from in that situation. I moved into Cade…still fighting for that “Belize Amy” but at the same time, realizing that my efforts were becoming more forced or fake..meanwhile..you, my best friend… are no longer talking to me.. Then, you started dating Hena.. Which, seemed like the end of my world…yeah, that really sucked for me and made me extremely bitter/hateful….then… all that stuff with my roommate, Katie went down…and was a huge distraction..(but, to whom I owe an apology) Then, summer 2010, I went to work in Jamaica with PPM…it was a very challenging summer.. I knew that things were “off” or different…but, I just thought it was because it was not Belize..and/or maybe because that semester, Spring 2010, was literally…in every sense (spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, everything) the HARDEST time in my life! *side note: you were dating Hena…ha.. Again, very, very, very hard.* Then, when I got back…although I had an amazing summer…did amazing service projects…I think my spirit was in its cancer stage. It was dying and I did not even know it. How or why would I? I had quit examining my heart. I no longer checked in with my spirit to see how things were going. In the meantime, I could put on a great mask and be the perfect little church goer/leader….if I just attend connection point and 5-6 bible studies a week, I was ok! ….right? At least that is what I had convinced myself of at least. Just pretend, wear a mask and everything is ok…right? ….obviously.. No.
**just processing as I type this: I am realizing how much Ansley really tried to help me… but, she was doing things that would benefit my soul…and….I was so checked out and so far away from that… that I wanted no part of it, I did not want to hear that! I think God is working on my heart to write her the most sincere apology-ever…wow.. I am starting to see so much now…its crazy!**
Anyway, sorry…even in typing I ramble and get so random! Anyway! Summer 2010 ends…and… something shifts between us.. And… I feel like.. I began to get happier…but.. Still not…ummmm…how do I say this?…Happier but still not… ummm…cancer free, spiritually speaking??? When we started talking and flirting…and leaning towards dating, I know I was happy then! PLEASE DO NOT GET ME WRONG OR TRY TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES! I am still processing and analyzing this as I go.. I was happy and had joy since you, the man I had a crush on for FOREVER was 1.) finally talking to me again since the whole “blowup after basic training” 2.) being that sweet Justin I knew existed and 3.) was talking to me, AMY!! Whoowhooo! Yay! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 HUGE SMILES. I see now that yes, I was happy…but, I was still masking my spirit.. At this point, if you continue along with the “cancerous heart that never got checked in on” analogy, I would venture to say at this point, I was spiritually dead. And perhaps the most selfish person I have ever met or had ever been. You brought me so much joy and happiness…but, you were the only thing that did. Nothing else really seemed to matter.. I can even remember Mr. Clark talking that I had completely checked out and lost my drive as a photographer…and it was very obvious that I had lost any motivation as a student…just passing through and doing the bare minimum to pass. Which, is all so true. **Crazy how I can start to see these things being 1000s of miles away…maybe that is why I am here on this race…hmmm. never thought about that before.** As you know, April and I have never been the best of friends…and… During this time, she told me that I was being utterly and stubbornly selfish. I just brushed it off.. There is no way in hell that I was going to listen to April…which, proves the fact that my heart had died. I had no grief over the lost of my best friend, Ansley. I became viciously bitter and angry toward April and Mr. Clark had become the root of all evil in my life..(so it seemed). Wow… I am actually very overwhelmed right now.. I am still thinking/processing this as I type it out and it seems like a lot of truth is being brought up to the light…woah.
Anyway… We started dating…September 13, 2010. I feel like, that day..was probably the first day in a really long time that I felt any emotion…I was so happy and joyful. We started dating…and I knew right then that you were the person I wanted to marry… You were the one. However.. I think because I was spiritually soooooo far away from the Lord that the devil had become my God. He could play with this dead heart of mine and make it feel alive again. His lies and tricks were so delicious. I craved his sins.
…..bizarre, I know.
But, this is how I feel. So…anything that happened… it was like, it didn’t really matter.
Nothing mattered. School, work, family.. Nothing.
Because I had you and that was more than enough.
I had become so good at wearing a mask that I could not differentiate when it was appropriate or assumed to have a mask off. It was like the mask had merged or become my real face….and… that it was ok. No one expected anything more out of me..so why bother? Why try? God had seriously become this “event” that I did/performed on Sundays and maybe…maybe a Wednesday…or when I got up in front a group of people who “looked up to me”…but, in reality.. I was a dead heart with no concern for others. Sometimes, honestly, I think that even trickled in with you. Sometimes, I would just do what I wanted, get what I wanted…without any regards to you, how you felt or what you were struggling with. Sometimes, you did a really good job of leading me.. Then, I would just take advantage of you anyway. I had became so selfish and wicked in my own ways, that I hurt you, my best friend and the love of my life…seriously?! What the hell is wrong with me…seriously. Even now, I see how the small things that I would do…were so selfish. I feel like, you were always looking out for me.. But, if it was not convenient for me… or if it was not there at the exact second I expected it to be.. I would blow up! ….seriously Justin, how did you even put up with me? How could you put up with someone who is so self centered? I am so so so so so sorry baby. I had blind eyes and a cold, dead heart. Even the other day, I kinda sorta opened o you and when you did not have anything to say, I got mad and threw myself a pity party…and…pretty much hung up on you… Obviously, I have been thinking non stop since then.. God has really been trying to break through…and… I have been trying to resuscitate my heart back to life! I want to smile! I want REAL joy. I want to be the best for me! I absolutely want the BEST for YOU! Maybe God knew that I would need this world race since 2009. He knew that I would become deaf and dead with no real desire to change or improve. God planned that I would be stripped of everything that was comfortable and “alright”..he would bring me out to the middle of El Salvador just to expose to me my dead selfish heart. It is so crazy that even as I type this, I feel God. I feel His presence inside this little room…and…(beautifully enough, I feel His peace.) (I feel like I have to whisper that last part because my flesh does not want to admit right now in this second that God is working or that He is real)…So! Yeah! That is where I am at. My team hears me talk about the “Belize Amy” a lot… how I loved her, how she had such a passion and contagious fire for God.. How she desired God and the hearts of other people….finally one day, one of them said.. You keep looking back to who you used to be.. But never once do you look ahead and try to see who you will become. As pridefully painful it is to admit, they are right….they are soooooo right. I think it is because at this point, in this moment, I can only see the Amy I have become over the past few years… cold hearted and selfish.. I do not like it.. At all. I hate this Amy…I hate everything she does. Maybe that is why I am so quick to blame her for everything or force to carry every burden so that in some sick, twisted way, I will feel like I have worth and purpose. This is probably why I have become so self conscience that it is pathetic and tiresome. I feel so ugly and so fat all the time (despite the fact that I am losing weight so good and healthy) I hate this Amy…so, how could I ever find anything good about her? So, instead of trying to work through it, I just sit in it… become this abnormally quite person and blame God.. I sit it my pity then wonder why don’t I have any joy.. Wow.. So… this is real life. This is become so obvious to me now as I think type it out. I think that the Lord…is….ummmm……..*sigh..how to say it*… I think the Lord is still trying to prune me and pluck me… I read Lamentations just this morning, seriously, a few hours ago…and I underlined and cursed at God that he has me in the same dry season, hurt, fear that Lamentations talks about…I blamed God so much for how I was feeling…that I have no joy and that if He doesn’t do something soon, I quit. I give up and this “God” thing simply is not worth it. If He doesn’t do something now, I am packing up my bags and leaving this stupid Worldrace.
**Fortunately….and on my behalf**
He followed through. We had an event this afternoon that got cancelled and I was able to think and process all this out. …..its crazy how…just writing this out… has made me feel so much better. Life is starting to make sense again… sorta…slowly. I feel like, I for one, can no longer ignore this dead, cancerous heart I have…and two, that I cannot blame this on me being homesick or “Justinsick”…that this is something that goes back years ago and is deeply rooted. I did not magically just figure out the answers to life’s questions, but, I do feel like.. For once…in a long time and at least since January 10, I have a real answer from the Lord.. When I was giving God my “ultimatum” during these past few days, I specifically said, “You have got to provide me with something: a pizza, a diet coke, a day to tan, a day where I feel skinny and beautiful, some sort of treat that I could not have possibly planned or prepared myself.. I HAVE to know it comes from you…I need an answer…and…God has been faithful and answered me in a real, tangible way that I could not possibly overlook…and I believe it was that we cancelled going to church this evening.. Which, from day one, the hosts said that missing church was completely nonnegotiable. So, the fact that we were going a few hours ago…and it got cancelled for some reason… that is a pretty tangible and real way I felt that God was real, that He cared about me, that He cared where I was at and that He was able to hear my cries from the seat of Heaven. AND on top of that!!! He allowed me time to process and think…that just so happens to be in a letter form to you. I……despite that my flesh and enemy are working so hard to tell me otherwise in this very second…that I think that it is pretty cool…and….real.
Whew.
I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my chest. …..its like… I can sorta feel a smile growing on my face…
Its pretty cool.
Smiley face.
Ok, soooooo.. My team could tell that something has been wrong/off… so, I decided to read them that section to them during our feedback. Although this letter started out to be for you, it turned into a letter to God. Well, when I read them this part about realizing that I was dead…one of my contact leaders said that it was creepy and good all at the same time to hear that I was dead. Then, another said that it was so hard for her to hear my story because she would have never thought that about me (mask, anyone? I am a professional!) But, she said it was hard to imagine me searching and striving for joy when I bring so much joy and laughter to the group and team. ….Interesting thought. My team mate said that I will ever be the “Belize Amy” ever again.. But, that I will grow and advance to the “Worldrace Amy”…I really like that idea. Then another leader said the same thing that that the WORLDRACE AMY will last. It will not fade. It will never go away…who I am becoming this year will be who I will be for the rest of my life… which, is VERY EXCITING AND ENCOURAGING. Then, God seriously broke through my heart. It was so powerful and real.
February 19, 2012: We had a funeral service for that Amy. God took out that dead, cancerous heart and buried it. That Amy is forever dead.
February 19, 2012: We saw the birth of a brand new Amy…. An Amy that received a heart transplant from her creator and Lord Jesus. A heart that actually beats. A heart that is new. A heart without blemish. A heart without scars. A heart without roots. A heart without masks. A brand new heart….a heart that is joyful and full. A heart of promise.
A heart that retains its original beat… from its original owner…a heart that beats for the Lord…a heart from Jesus…for Jesus.
