Stacy told me that the Bible uses the word “beauty” only when referring to God and women. Women are made in the image of God. Well, that is nice… and that is about the depth that it reaches for me.
She also questioned if I would ever be happy with myself. Would I ever find true beauty in who I am and how I look? When I lose these 120 pounds and I finally reach that “ideal” weight…even then…will I be happy? When I am “skinny” enough… when I am “fit” enough… will I be truly be satisfied?
Last April 2011, I saw the horrific damage of the tornados that ripped through Alabama. The completely demolished, rumbled communities, the wind snapped trees, horrors I have never seen before in my life, the emptiness and the bare….the devastation…the scared landscape. This is how I see my heart when it comes to defining beauty. Regardless what is actually on the outside, I feel like I will only be able to see the deep scars left on the inside. Scars, wounds from where people have hurt me so much in the past. The lies, the remarks, the names, the looks, the judgment…all these things make up the destruction in my heart. Completely wounded and forever scared that there is no possibility to find beauty there.
My mother frequently uses her record player. It is a musical art that has long been replaced by CDs and MP3s. I love to watch her pick up the needle and know exactly where to put it for a song. This is another visual analogy how my heart defines beauty. It is stuck on the skipping lines and lies that I was told when I was younger. It is the music, the voice that dominates when I think of beauty. It is overpowering, loud and continual. It is hard for me to take any compliments or truths now because what I have been told first is the thing I hear now. It has been so strong in my life for so long that it has become truth, factual information. Anything that counteracts that must be a lie so why receive it? Just in one ear out the other.
Speaking of lies, I feel like anything a person says to me is fake or a lie. I feel like people judge me so harshly in their heads that they must neutralize it by saying something “nice“.. I feel like people are always judging me or criticizing me internally then muster up some exterior compliment that I am wearing cute earrings or that my hair looks good today. Because I immediately feel judged previously, whatever they might say to me is already completely invalid…shallow…empty…a lie.
I feel this way especially with the people that love me the most. Strangers opinions of me hardly matter because they are so commonly in and out of life. It is the people that I interact with daily. My dad, April, my family, my best friends, all of Justin’s family…. I feel like I disappoint them so much…that I will never be good enough for their standards. I feel like I will always be second best to them, no matter how hard I try or what I do. Head knowledge says that this is ridiculous and that this is of course, lies. However, it is my heart that needs the convincing. Somehow those few inches between my head and my heart are the hardest and longest distance to connect.
I want to…I want to have confidence. I want to believe I am worth it, that I have true value. I want to believe that I am pretty and beautiful right where I am, right now…but.. How? These past hurts, these past lies, these past remarks have taken such deep root in my life. How could these things define who I am today? That I am never good enough, that I am always second best? That I will only be beautiful based on the “ifs” or circumstance? For example, I will be decent enough if I lose 120 pounds, if I always wear make up, if I always fix my hair, if I wear the most flattering outfit…every time.
Finally, I have to get to a point where I am able to love myself for me. That I take where I am at, who I am and I fall in love with that person….that I take such honor and pride in myself….that I have a beautiful confidence in and for myself. How can I start to see and appreciate myself like God does? All this sounds good but how do I actually put it into application? What is the true meaning of beauty?
This is so ingrained, so deeply rooted that ultimately it will not even be what I look like on the outside. It is an issue about my self esteem and self confidence. . I will always find flaw in myself, no matter what accomplishments I reach. I feel like I will never be good enough. My insecurity is stronger than my ability or faith to take or believe words of truth. Where is my confidence? Where is my true beauty? What even is beauty and why am I so obsessed with it? When, how can I become “comfortable” enough? How can I have peace and joy with who I am? How can I stop comparing myself to others? How can I stop wishing that I was “her” or that I looked like “that girl” or that I had the personality of “this girl”? How…when? Why can’t I believe my teammates? Why can’t I believe my future husband? Why am I crying now? How did this become such a strong hold in my life that I was more than ready to end it because of it? How could the word “mirror” bring such death and depression to me? How do you recover from a tornado? How do you stop a record player from skipping? How do you drop emotional baggage that is so deeply rooted? How do these things happen? How does healing start?
How do I let go?
How….do….I….do….this….?
What is….
……beauty?
