Life goes on ..
After the week came to an end, and the tears had dried, it was time to go home, to return to a harsher reality. Some of my family and i were able to recoup in Silverton, Colorado before returning home to a harsh reality.
Unexpected as it was I seemed to be just fine. My life did not stop the way I thought it would or should. I was used to living apart from Craig. It did not take getting used to not seeing him everyday, because life hadn't been that way for us for a couple years. I was used to him being in Colorado and me being in Arizona. Somehow I numbed my broken heart. I didn't deal with the reality of him dying. I went back to work unchanged. I had joy. I had no tears left to cry nor did I want to. I understood God's plan. I understood where Craig went and that it was his time to go home. I was happy for him, inspired by his life, and amazed at Gods love for him as he allowed Craig to go home the way he desired. I was in awe of the grace God had for my family. The peace we had knowing we would see Craig again. I thought I was ok, and impressed at how I was "coping".
Grieving for me was unpredictable. It was like a tornado. I would be fine one moment and all of a sudden I would see different reminders of Craig, like a green motorcycle and break into tears, my emotions would be destructed like a tornado would tear apart a house. It would come at the most in opportune times. On the way to work. In the tanning bed was where it hit most often, as it was me left with my thoughts, this is where my reality would check in.
Some days I could talk about Craig non stop and boast in the way he lived his life and how he has inspired mine. Other days I couldn't hear his name without bursting to tears, and then there were days I didn't want a reminder of him, I didn't want to think, hear or talk about him, I couldn't take it anymore.
In the beginning when I broke down, I really broke down, it wasn't just a flat tire, it was accompanied with the transmission, brakes, and whole car being totaled. My tears were unending, my sobs were uncontainable. I didn't know how to stop, my numbing had worn off. The pain was unsettling.
The times that were the hardest were holidays, and birthdays,these were the times and days I knew I was supposed to see him. I came face to face with the empty chair that reminded me of his absent presence, the empty chair everyone fears having.
I will always remember the first Christmas without him, it was a busy Christmas as my boyfriend and I at the time drove from California to Arizona to share with Kelly's family, his family, and my dads family. The dinner was exquisite like always, the presents were overflowing, but the presence that was missing couldn't be compensated with anything else. This time for Christmas I no longer cared about getting my two front teeth, all I wanted was to share it with my brother again.
As time has continued to go on and the length of time without seeing Craig increases, the more my heart has healed. It was when I was on my first missions trip with my mom that I had realized that I was angry with God. The team we were with asked my mom to talk about Craig and his life and I couldn't bear it anymore. I left early and fled to the room alone. I started crying and journaling and asked God questions I had been too afraid to ask before. God how could you take him so early? I was not ready for this, I was not ready to be an aunt without him. What about my wedding day God? How could I get married without him there? I was not ready for you to take Him. It was then that I realized why I was mad at God, not because I didn't trust Him, or know where Craig was, and that Craig deserved so much to go home, but because I was not prepared to live a life without him.
It was then that God began to truly mend my heart, allowing me to grieve in a different way. My grieving had gone from asking why, to remembering the amazing memories I had with Craig. I miss him the same if not more now, but I am able to be thankful for the time I had with him rather than being angry about the time I don't have with him now.
I often think about him, especially being in Central America, how he would have loved it here. God continually brings me sweet gifts from Craig, I am so incredibly blessed by the ways God reminds me of Him. I thank God the way that He took him and that He is now forever in heaven, I am so thankful for the ways Craig has inspired and influenced my life.
It is still not easy not having him here, but I have a hope that outweighs the struggles and tears.
Thank you for sharing in this with me. I hope that you are inspired or comforted by Gods comfort and greatness. I pray that I will be able to share the comfort that I have been given to you. I pray you would be able to see the joy of heaven and excitement that has us eagerly awaiting to see our family again. I also pray that God will bring healing to your heart, that you are able to face all the questions and emotions you are dealing with. God isn't afraid or surprised by our questions He delights in our honesty with Him, so He can answer our questions and bring more healing to our hearts 🙂 !
XOXO
Amie Gallegos
