Hey friends!
I am currently in Bandung, Indonesia on month four of the World Race. I can’t believe that I am on month four and I have a little more than seven months to go – so unreal!!
Today I want to share with you a bit about my process and what God has been taking me through, sharing His heart with me. Through these past months on the race I took it upon myself to hold back a bit of who I am out of fear and unwillingness – mainly personality traits, giftings and habits. I withdrew from these things out of fear of making myself look like a candidate for leadership. When coming on the race I decided I didn’t want any type of responsibility; I didn’t want to worry about anyone but myself. As selfish as that sounds, it came out of a place of being overwhelmed as a result of relying on my own strength instead of living out of the Father’s overflow. I have been able to see how crippling and harmful it is to try and suppress your calling, giftings, and strengths from people and yourself.
Now as I reflect, I think there is something so raw and scary about doing things wholeheartedly. It leaves you in such a vulnerable place that can sometimes cause hurts and disappointments. This is true in friendships, relationships, and basically anything involving people. God has been showing me the beauty of loving people with my whole heart, with no reservations and with no expectations. I still have a ways to go in this, but I am happy to be wrestling with what it means to truly love. God has also put me in a place where I have had no choice but to be held, loved, and truly seen. My team (CAKE) has done such an incredible job of loving me for who I am and seeing who I am while clearly watching me wrestle with myself. I have also had to let people in, despite the fear that they will see something in me that did not align with who I seem to be on the outside. I have had to acknowledge and CHOOSE to let people in even if it means that they have the possibility to hurt me.
I love to see people and to love them deeply, but man it is so hard to be on the receiving end of it. I have a friend who knows me so well! I know that he truly sees me, and sometimes it is easier to avoid and hide from him and the situations that reveal the raw and real. It is so scary; the thought of someone knowing my whole heart is a level of vulnerable I am so hesitant to walk into. In reality my inability to be loved is hindering me from loving others wholeheartedly. It is a way that the enemy puts doubt in my mind about who I am and how others will receive me. When I got sober I felt like I had hurt so many people and was a destructive person. I later carried that into how I felt about myself overall. While I have changed and been sanctified, I find myself waiting for the moment I will be triggered and in turn be the same person I was before God became my Lord AND Savior. But in reality there is no way Jesus can be the King of my heart, sanctifying me and I NOT become more and more like my Father. It is a tool of deception, a way Satan gets in our ear and says, “but did He really do that?”
I wish I could give you a resolved story and tell you how I have been able to receive love and fully accept it, but I am not there yet. This is a process and I know God is working in my heart and teaching me about how to be seen and how not to hide. I don’t want to hinder myself especially when it comes to being open to and for people. I want all I do to be wholehearted and flow out out a place of security and love from my Father.
“ Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men ”
Ephesians 6:7
