As I get closer and closer to launch in January two things are happening , well maybe three. First, it’s kind of setting in that this is happening and I feel like I have so little time to get everything ready to leave. It feels like I just am getting the hang of being back in the states and life looks semi normal.Second, I am getting so excited! I can’t wait to meet my squad and all of the people I will encounter on the way! If I am honest this has been a growing point for me the last three years. I really value my personal space and time to be alone- if I can have a few people I genuinely like around, throw in some coffee I am so happy!! The thought of meeting new people is not really my favorite, but from what I have experienced I usually will come out of these experiences with people I love. Third- typically when making a big decision like this, doubt and uncertainty like to start dancing around in your thoughts. During these times it’s so important to have your why or purpose clear and to have your truths ready!!
When I made the decision to go to Norway for my Discipleship training school (DTS), it was so clear that I was supposed to go, but I had no idea what I was getting into (that’s a whole blog in its self-ha-ha)! The months leading up to my DTS were such a challenge. I was a Christian, but I really didn’t even pray, I had read maybe a handful of scripture, and was in a relationship I knew I shouldn’t have been in. Those things gave the enemy room to instill guilt and shame into me, and I didn’t know enough about who God was to say, “I know this is not true and this doesn’t define who I am”. During those months I continued with my unhealthy and toxic relationship, and found myself falling back into some addictions I had struggled with in the past. While these things could have caused me to not go to Norway, I knew what God said; I knew I needed to go. Being in Norway was one of the best decisions that I chose to trust God in and let Him plan my steps.
When we were about two months away from going to Cambodia on outreach, I had never felt more attacked: mentally and emotionally. The enemy knew my weak points and the lies that I had let become my reality. How could I go to tell prostitutes about how much Jesus loves them when I felt so much guilt and shame over my own sin? What was I going to say when I met a drug addict on the streets, knowing that we were not so different? The realization of spending three months in a country where I would have temptation everywhere, when I had been intentionally hiding to avoid those things… caused me to re-think going at all. I truly believed I was always going to be a junky and that no matter what that was part of my identity. Fast-forward to the end of outreach, I sat down with my leader, who was a big reason I decided to go on outreach despite my fear, and informed him I had fallen in love with Cambodia and I wanted to stay. I didn’t want to go back to Norway to finish my school.
God brought freedom and healing during that year and used different situations to do it. On my DTS I learned how much distrust I had and saw the walls I built up to keep people away, from fear that I would hurt them. Ultimately, I believed that I couldn’t be trusted. God showed me how to have friendships and how to love and give of my self in a healthy way because people are worth it! In Cambodia, He showed me what it feels like to love a country and people with His love to the point of giving up everything to do just that.
Now that the Race is coming up in about ten weeks, I know that uncertainty is expected. I don’t shy away from the fears I have because I have seen how God uses exactly that to heal and make those weaknesses my strengths. I am by no means under an illusion that these next weeks and the eleven months after that will be easy. BUT I have tasted and seen; I know that God is so much bigger than any fear, doubt, or lie that the enemy tries to bring my way. He never leaves us empty handed!!
So maybe your about to make a career change, thinking about going into missions, or you just are faced with big changes; seek the Lord with all your heart! IF He has spoken to you, keep your purpose clear and go for it! He has gone before you and has already prepared the way. You already have the tools and gifts you need for your journey. Remember that your fear might look big, but God is BIGGER!
