A few weeks ago, I was at a craft store with my mom buying some yarn and fabric, and I came across this super cute alpaca stuffed animal. I have started to collect little animals from some of the countries I have been to (or that friends bring me from countries they’ve been to). For example, I have: a moose from Norway, a puffin from Iceland, and a little llama from Ecuador. When I saw this alpaca from JoAnnes, I was in love!! It was big, and I knew right away where I could put it in my room. I asked how much it was and it was like $10, which is not expensive, but I knew I really didn’t need it and why would I spend ten dollars on something I am not even going to see for a year? That’s two weeks of coffee in Cambodia, priorities!! So, I just left it and went about my business. Fast-forward a few weeks I had forgotten about the alpaca and all was fine.
My boss returned from his trip to Peru and his girlfriend sent some gifts for my mom and I. Among these gifts was a stuffed animal ALPACA! This alpaca was 100% better than the one I wanted at the store!! It was twice as big, it had real alpaca wool, and was from Machu Picchu plus it was SO fluffy! My heart was so happy. Instantly I heard God say, “You thought I forgot about the alpaca just like you think I have forgotten about your dreams and desires”. Boy, that hit me hard.
When I was little, they came out with a doll that you could: feed, burp, would use the bathroom; but it was expensive, and I never thought I would get it. However, if you know my grandfather and how much I was spoiled/ am spoiled by him, you would know I got that doll! He still teases me on the way I reacted when I received her; I cried and said I felt like a real mom. I even upgraded from my doll to a baby sister I could love, spoil, and practice being a mom to. One of my desires has always been to have kids and to be a wife. As a teenager, I was so comfortable with the idea of having kids and the future I wanted. It wasn’t till roughly four years ago, when I decided I didn’t want kids or that marriage wasn’t necessary. You see, I bought into the idea that it was unnatural for me to want these things; I was needy for wanting to be married and ridiculous for wanting to have a kid intentionally. At first, I really fought this idea but as time went on, I just gave in and thought this must be true, I am being unreasonable. During my DTS, God used people around me to heal this idea in me and to even encourage me in my dreams. I went from being apologetic to being bold and open about marriage and kids not just to myself, but I even said it out loud…on purpose. After that I was like “Okay, God made this clear and has put it in my heart for a reason, so this must mean it will happen soon, like probably next year or something.”
Well here we are four years later, and after many heated prayer sessions and rant sessions with my best friend on why we are still single- I’m good. I was cutting a friend’s hair one day and we were talking about marriage and kids and he said “America, do you think emotionally you would be ready to be that vulnerable with someone?” That’s when it hit me, I was so caught up on being married and being a mom, I didn’t realize what that actually meant. The process that would entail, the purpose, and responsibility that comes along with all of it. I was not as ready as I thought.
For a long time, I had the impression that we should just not tell God about our desires and dreams because more likely than not we wouldn’t get them. I had heard countless stories of women who wanted to get married and hadn’t; couples who would give anything to be parents and weren’t, the list goes on and on. Why would God know these things and then not give them to us? Why even put that desire there to begin with? I still don’t know the answer to some of these questions. What I do know is that God is safe and is trustworthy. It is hard to check another year off the list and see that those things are still on a waiting list. Sometimes it is easier to just to give up wanting those things at all and if it does happen, to be happy rather than to be hopeful and have faith in something that may never happen. I don’t think that’s what God wants for us, it is so vulnerable to constantly trust and depend on God for your future.
I am about to leave for a year on a trip where my teammates and I have all made a commitment not to date and take this time to focus on the people we will meet and on God. So once again, I am in a place of having to put my desires to the side and honestly, I am not even worried about it. I am so thankful for Gods timing and his dependability. I look at my life and see all the people I have met, the things I have been able to experience and the places I have been. They are all examples of just how trustworthy and good God is. If God cares about the little things- like alpacas and baby dolls, then how much more would He care about desire He specifically put in my heart? How much more could I trust Him in my future marriage or future children than with the small things that bring me joy?
At the end of the day we all have dreams and we all have desires, they may look different from person to person, but I want to encourage you to be okay where you are. God sees where you are, and He really does see the desires of our hearts. Be encouraged that you are not alone and that once again, He won’t leave you empty handed and to fend for yourself.
Have a wonderful weekend and be blessed!
