DISCLAIMER: This blog may include triggers. Read at your own discretion.
Most people that know me, know that nudity is not my thing. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable with my body or that I’m self conscious, it just was never a thing in my life. When I grew up, you kept your private squares private. I was never on a dance team or modeling troop. Even in sports, I would shower at home! So, when it came time to get naked in ministry…”she wasn’t reeaady” ***in my Kevin Hart voice***
But before I go there, let me back up to the first time that I had to endure nudity in ministry (which actually became my favorite domestic ministry)….Stripper Ministry! God had given me this dope vision of ministering to strippers, then I found out the church I attended at the time was launching a new ministry focused on serving strippers. I was excited for what God had, but I was not ready for the nudity in store. The first time we walked into the Strip Club, I was nervous and excited about what God wanted to do. We were ushered back to the dressing room and my level of discomfort hit a million! Spiritually, I was fine but in the natural I was hella uncomfortable! It was so weird having conversations (some about Jesus, but most not…just regular talks about weekend plans and pop culture) with people that were nude. It was soooo odd! However, as I continued to go, my discomfort levels began to drop. As weird as it sounds, it became the new normal.
That was in 2015, fast forward to this year…Northern Africa. I’ve been asked to participate in a tradition as old as time, hitting the bath house with your girls. The first time we went, conceptually, I understood that bath house meant bathing, so I needed to prepare to be exponentially uncomfortable, but I had talked to the team and we had decided as a unit to keep our underwear on, no matter what! So, we hit the bath house. With only two other people in the room and my undies intact, I began to talk a nice hot bucket shower. We stayed for a couple hours, essentially in a sauna, rinsing off, then we headed home to continue life as usual. Although, I was extremely uncomfortable, I made it and I was ready for the next experience…or so I thought!
A week or two passed and we are invited to go to a bath house again, this time by our ministry host (the wife). At this point, I’d conquered the giant! The Goliath, that was the Hammam, had been killed. So, I wasn’t freaking out, until I arrived and it was like it was the entire city’s bath day! I thought I knew discomfort…I didn’t! So my discomfort level, was at a billion, simply because there were a billion people in there! But I assumed (NEVER ASSUME) we were operating under the same underwear guidelines as a team, so I was breathing through it.
***Internal Processing (IP)***
IP: Amber, breathe girl, it is ok, you are going to have yo draws on, so chill out.
We enter into the Hammam, fill our buckets and prepare to rinse, then we use exfoliating gloves (which feels like a sand paper glove), and we scrub, then we rinse, but you can’t forget your back, so I had to get someone to wash and scrub it. (Fun fact: I don’t like to be touched. I don’t mind hugging, but I don’t like to be touched for a long period of time) So, now, it’s time for backs…
IP: Amber, breathe, it’s not that bad, it’s just your back, how often do you even ever get your back washed or scrubbed well. Take it like a G (yes we are just talking about my back being washed but I needed to pump myself up). You got this.
So, I make it through the back scrub , 3 TIMES!!!! They like to be thorough…Then…all of my Hammam fears come to a head, when the ministry host says, it’s time to wash your underwear…I wish that I could implant a picture of my face at that moment…I simply responded…I’m sorry…what?!?!… Again, it’s said, it’s time to wash your underwear.
IP: Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! I know you hear me calling you. (Giving Holy Spirit (HS) no time to respond in between internal cries)
HS: Are you willing to enter new realms of discomfort in the areas that I’ve called you to in ministry?
IP: D*mn (That was actually out loud…I was hoping to get a pass from Jesus…the rest is internal) I guess I’m washing this underwear…
So I assume the most modest, covering position that I could and washed my underwear. Then, the ministry host (who was excited to introduce us to this new experience the entire time) ask to collect the underwear to put them in bag, she intentionally brought for wet clothes. (At least, I thought it was for wet clothes at first, now I know it was just for underwear…language barrier)
This time I cry out to Jesus and either Holy Spirit repeat himself or I replayed what was already said. Either way, I passed my undies down the line and finished the experience encountering levels of discomfort that I didn’t even know existed.
In the midst of my public nudity, I tried to allow my mind to go anywhere but the reality of my vulnerability in that state. It wasn’t long before the Lord began speaking in that space. As I fought to stay in-tuned, He spoke and my contemplation grew deeper. At this point I had entered into this space of vulnerability with my team and ministry host, but I was left questioning my willingness to strip down and bare all in true, wholistic vulnerability and intimacy with the Lord.
In what area of my spiritual life was I still clothed with the Lord? Had I laid down all my burdens? Had I casted all my anxieties on Him? If he asked me to operate outside of comfort in ministry, would I? Was my ‘Yes’ truly wholistic? The answer to those questions was a simple, ‘No’…I hadn’t laid everything down and I hadn’t completely surrendered it all. For most of us, we feel as though we have. Generally, I’ve felt the same, but I guess on some level, I’ve known that I hadn’t. During that time, I was forced to reflect on the reality of my vulnerability, intimacy and willingness to surrender to the Lord and I encourage you to do the same.
How wholistic is your surrender? Are you willing to walk through spaces of discomfort with the Lord? Will you be vulnerable baring all in intimacy with your Creator? How deep does your ‘Yes’ go? If the Lord called you to sell all your possessions and move to Nepal, would you go? Too extreme?…How about this…If the Lord told you that instead of going out on the weekend, you should stay in and spend time with Him, would you? And, would you give Him the entire weekend, like He asked for, or would you carve out an hour or so for Him, then continue to do as you please? How deep and how real is your surrender and willingness to walk in intimacy and vulnerability with the Lord?
PRAYER REQUEST:
Funding
Restoration
Team Unity
