God spoke to me in the middle of my fear. I had gone zip lining in Panahachel, during debrief. It is the largest zip line in Central America. We had to hike up the side of the mountain, and I wasn’t able to fully process what I was about to do, mainly because I couldn’t breathe. It was so steep, and the altitude was insanely high, not what I’m used to. And I’ll admit it, I’m not as in shape as I should be. As we got to the top, I’m wheezing and Jamie goes first, giving me just enough time to catch my breath.
Just as I was able to get my bearings and realize just what the heck I was about to do, I’m already hooked up and ready to go. No preparation, they shoved me off. I was not ready. I am ashamed to say a couple of expletives flew from my mouth as I flew over the mountain and I started to spin backwards. Which meant I wouldn’t be able to see the man waving the flag to brake. Thankfully I was able to crane my neck to see him and stop. It happened so fast I didn’t have time to feel my fear, I was in survival mode. That was only the first strip, the next section stretched over the water, thousands of feet up, the mountains to the right.
The guys running the zip lining showed us how to try and keep us from spinning. This time I went next to last, so I had time to process the fear I had boiling up. Before I knew it I was on my way over the highest and longest strip they had. I could feel myself starting to spin and I desperately tried to keep myself front facing. I cried out to God begging Him to keep me from spinning.
And in the midst of my fear, He said to me, “No. I want you to see the gorgeous view that I made. I want you to appreciate it.”
And I’m just, what?! I don’t wanna be an Amber pancake at the end of this zipline! Alright, fine, I’ll look! And I did. I allowed the harness to spin me to the left, even though it went against every grain in my body, every bit of common sense I had and watched the gorgeous expanse of the lake stretching out under me, the three volcanoes surrounding the lake standing majestically in the distance. It was amazing, and I did my best to appreciate it in the midst of my fear of squishing against a tree.
As I got my feet back on solid ground, my legs shaking like a leaf in a hurricane, I would have been crying if it weren’t for the wind as I went down, I was swearing internally, but I was still in awe. I have no regrets, I had so much fun zip lining, would do it again if it weren’t for the massive hike of a lifetime to get there. I am so proud that I was able to get up that mountain, face my fear, and conquer it. I wasn’t afraid the next six strips of zip lines and I didn’t spin.
It is possible to find beauty in fear, and sometimes you have to push through your fear in order to see the beauty. And no, I didn’t actually die. But I died to myself.
